I went to visit "my" trees today.
I had two counseling appointments, both of which were needed. Then, instead of going home, I drove to the nearby mountains and visited "my" trees. Of course, they really belong to no one, but I love them, so they are like my babies.
I didn't get out of the car because it was raining, and I didn't bring an umbrella. Still, I felt their nurturing spirits reach down to me inside the car. Also, I knew that they were getting a much needed drink of fresh water.
Last weekend, I reached out to my daughter in pain, and she returned my call Sunday. We talked for two hours, and I felt that I had started to heal after having cried the entire two hours. We talked again Monday, but yesterday, we didn't talk. She had to prepare for a funeral for one of her co-workers. Last night, I had a suicidal thought, but I prayed, and it went away.
My daughter has been very supportive of me, and I am grateful for that, but last night, when I was alone with the asshole living right across the street from me, I lost hope, and the suicidal thought came. Then, I heard G-d say, "I'm here." I asked him to take away the pain because I couldn't handle it alone. Then, the pain and the thought went away. Again, I heard him say, "I'm here." Then, in gratitude, I lit some incense.
It still hurts, but my visit to my trees and the knowledge that my daughter and G-d are there for me are helping.