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Lucy's Thoughts



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Trusting my gut

Posted by lucylocket , 29 June 2015 · 59 views

Lately I've been trying to be more aware of my intuition, or my feelings about things. Which might account for some of the strange but weirdly topical dreams I've been having the past week.
 
Anyway, about a week and a half ago, I had a strong feeling about someone in particular, just from the look on their face and I "knew" exactly what was going to...


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Still upset bout text from mum

Posted by lucylocket , 01 June 2015 · 64 views

I got a text from my mum a few days ago and still fuming and hurt about it. This might turn into a bit of a rant, sorry.

It said: "Pray you have some quality of life, and some fun, still think of you, love mum"

I don't even know what to make of it.

Quality of life? Seriously....I can't believe her. There's so much that's insulting, patronising and hurt...


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Words running through my head (TW language)

Posted by lucylocket , 31 May 2015 · 47 views

My mother sent me a text today. This is never a good thing.

Both my parents are in serious denial about me not wanting to have anything to do with them, and have presumably convinced themselves that it must be all my "mental health issues" to blame.

Hence the text I received today...saying:
"I just pray that you have some quality of life and some fun. T...


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Thoughts on being estranged from parents

Posted by lucylocket , 09 May 2015 · 79 views

It's Mothers Day here in the Southern Hemisphere. Which got me thinking about my parents and what on earth is my next step in regards to them.

I basically have no contact with my parents (although they continue to occasionally try to contact me). I started originally by setting boundaries, as I needed some time and space to focus on myself and my recover...


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Some feelings

Posted by lucylocket , 27 April 2015 · 77 views

(just needed to get these out, not looking for any response)
 
I feel hurt and sad. Abandoned and uncared for. Unlovable.
 
My self harm/skin picking has left scars on every part of my body. I still have open sores on my legs, arms, hands, breast, bottom, shoulders, feet and face. 
 
I'm anxious about going to see Dr. B on Thursday. I'...


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Low

Posted by lucylocket , 12 April 2015 · 69 views

Feeling so low. Tired of life. So alone, although it's all of my own making seeing as I push everyone away and isolate myself. So tired of all of this. There is no point. I don't remember the last time I had a good day. 
 
All that keeps me going is my responsibility to my cat. There's no one who could take her if I did end things and I couldn't...


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Guess that's that then...

Posted by lucylocket , 14 January 2015 · 70 views

I said goodbye to something today. It hurts, but not as much as it would have even a month ago. I have been having a rough time lately, but I feel clarity about this, and my T is also supportive of my decision, so I feel like it's the right thing for me. It's just so weird...doing something for ME. I'm not used to putting myself first or even acknowledgin...


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Boundaries...sheesh one thing at a time...

Posted by lucylocket , 14 January 2015 · 44 views

So it's been a strange time lately...my birthday is tomorrow, I hate having it acknowledged but have grown to tolerate it somewhat. I had a surprisingly nice dinner with one of my brothers and his family. It was nice to just interact with them without having "the whole family" there.
 
Not so nice to come home to an unwanted gift from my parents who...


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Been a few interesting days...trigger SU stuff

Posted by lucylocket , 13 January 2015 · 45 views

So I'd been really stressed out and feeling in a very low space, thoughts of suicide getting stronger, plans running through my head...practicalities...who would look after my cat? It usually comes back to her, I don't want to abandon her again (long story, she'd been an adandoned stray when I found her 4-5 years ago, we've moved countries since then, I b...


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So tired of it all

Posted by lucylocket , 09 January 2015 · 83 views

I'm so tired of it all. Tired of fighting to maintain any sort of stability. Tired of questions I don't have answers for. Tired of fighting it. Tired of having no support. Tired of not even knowing what I would do with support if I had it.
 
Had lunch with an aunt this week, who was in town for a few days. So tired of people saying "but they love you...






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