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Lucy's Thoughts



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thoughts tw sui

Posted by lucylocket , 30 June 2016 · 20 views

I'm so tired. I just want to end it. I don't want to live anymore.
 
I'm not going to do anything, as long as my cat is still alive and well, then I have to be around to take care of her.
 
I just needed to admit this somewhere. That it's all too much at the moment.
 
I cried so much at my T appt a few days ago. T tried to make me feel bett...


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Getting some words out - letter to parents

Posted by lucylocket , 20 June 2016 · 50 views

Just getting words out, need to start expressing some of my feelings. 
-------------------------
 
To mum and dad:
 
You say you love me, but your actions speak a different truth.
 
I first saw a psychiatrist when I was 16 years old. If either of you had been paying attention you should have known that I needed help much earlier than t...


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Maybe telling....argh... I don't know....TW Swearing

Posted by lucylocket , 16 April 2016 · 42 views

So I reached out to my aunt (the only one I'm still in contact with) for some help this week. Now I am almost about to tell.
 
I don't now if I will or not. Who the fuck do I think I am? 
 
Ugh... here is what I have written so far but haven't emailed yet
 
"thanks for checking in with me M****. The money came through, thank you, it...


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Twenty years since I first asked for help TW Sui

Posted by lucylocket , 07 April 2016 · 24 views

I saw my first psychiatrist when I was 16 years old. He didn't see me though, as he was blind, which I found somewhat comforting. 
 
He asked if there had been any sexual abuse. I gave my standard answer which was "I don't remember", with tears streaming down my face. I was already a master at crying quietly, but he must have sensed something as...


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Venting (TW: swearing, sui)

Posted by lucylocket , 06 April 2016 · 38 views

It should be obvious to the remaining family that I keep some sort of contact with (my brothers and one aunt) that things are NOT okay with me
 
The real mindfuck is that if I were to reach out and tell them that I am struggling, they would be GENUINELY surprised. 
 
Yet there is no way they CAN'T know how hard things are for me. ...


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still struggling....but then what's new bout that...

Posted by lucylocket , 06 April 2016 · 56 views

TW references to suicidal thinking
 
I ended up feeling a bit better after I wrote my last entry, so hoping that might work for tonight too.
 
Feeling alone, broken, hopeless, unheard. Read something online about how suicidal thinking will happen when our pain exceeds our ability to cope. And that is what it feels like, I feel unable to cope, fo...


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Struggling ***TW sui thoughts***

Posted by lucylocket , 01 April 2016 · 64 views

So just to make it clear. I am having suicidal thoughts but I won't be acting on them. I have my beautiful cat to think about, she would have nowhere else to go, and I just couldn't abandon her like that. 
 
But man....I am not okay. I don't even know what to say. I can't find the right words when I come here or when I am trying to write in my j...


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Cutting off emotionally abusive parents/family

Posted by lucylocket , 19 January 2016 · 128 views

TRIGGER - talk of suicidal thoughts
 
 
 
I wish it wasn't so damn hard to cut off emotionally abusive family members. 
 
I also wish I had known what was going on 20 years ago when I was 16, instead of thinking there was something wrong with me, that I could have seen that the problem wasn't me, it was the situation I had been fo...


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Rambling thoughts about what to say to family

Posted by lucylocket , 18 December 2015 · 131 views

I am very anxious/tense at the moment. A lot of things are going through my head and I need to get them out. This will just be a big brain dump of thoughts and prob won't make any sense
 
My therapist is on leave all of December, till mid-January. So I already haven't seen her for a few weeks, plus have about another month until appointments start up...


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Trusting my gut

Posted by lucylocket , 29 June 2015 · 213 views

Lately I've been trying to be more aware of my intuition, or my feelings about things. Which might account for some of the strange but weirdly topical dreams I've been having the past week.
 
Anyway, about a week and a half ago, I had a strong feeling about someone in particular, just from the look on their face and I "knew" exactly what was going to...






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