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gritgirl's Blog


mother is visiting

Posted by gritgirl , 04 July 2015 · 36 views

I feel sort of stunned and I'm waiting for the ball to drop. I've had a good visit with my mother - I have my voice which is HUGE ... I can tell her with feeling about my world - my trips with my husband and son - and also say things like Mom that's too negative... when she goes into her sad stories around my son. She listened. It's simply good to have my...


negativity and self-care

Posted by gritgirl , 23 June 2015 · 82 views

I am so tired but want to write to remind myself that I am here and wanting to heal.
I am aware of a strong negative streak in myself - strong feelings of disappointment of rejecting my experience as not good enough and pushing away my DH with anger and criticism. It's very big... a big part of me. I realize that I need to own it fully if I am going to mo...


Living with disassociation

Posted by gritgirl , 14 June 2015 · 63 views

I'm writing now so to try to understand my experience. I know i am here but not fully present. I woke up with disassociation. I could tell in my response to DH, not looking at him in the eye. I drove to a party and went in the wrong direction. I couldn't recall someone's name - I felt confusion - was is this or that? My son ended up playing on a toy that...


Remember me at 13

Posted by gritgirl , 13 June 2015 · 39 views

I had intense dreams where I was looking for a way out of a park...I couldn't find my way. As the day went on I felt a grief headache - pain in my forehead. I came to my room to write and cry. I could remember myself at 13, in 8th grade right before I became severely anorexic. I was trying to grow - I was all alone and I didn't or couldn't ask anyone for...


Numbness - no awareness of the abuse

Posted by gritgirl , 01 June 2015 · 104 views

I'm curious if anyone else experiences this. I have such deep experiences of pain and dreams and body memories and other symptoms where I know I was abused without question. Then I have days where I have no awareness of being abused at all - like today. I feel like I must be really detached but I'm not even aware of being detached. I'm thinking of that Ja...


hyper anxious today

Posted by gritgirl , 29 May 2015 · 69 views

I am HYPER anxious, feeling confusion. I have so much trouble packing for a trip - I don't know what clothes to wear. I feel motherless.... someone dress me.
I am going to my college for a reunion. It's 30 years since I graduated. That's such big number. When I was at school I was in a trance - binging and purging every day sometimes 2-3 times a day. I ca...


brother as an agent for my father

Posted by gritgirl , 26 May 2015 · 46 views

I am deep in the healing and praying to stay steady. A breakthrough dream over the weekend and feelings and numbness so intense. A familiar feeling from my past today i though how did I forget this. Something with my brother and my father getting him act for him. It is all so awful. I felt so angry that my body has spontaneous sexual feelings even when i...


thoughts about mirrors

Posted by gritgirl , 24 May 2015 · 57 views

I went to sleep last night thinking about joy. How can I feel joy - my much deserved joy and live a life of joy? I woke up disoriented and disconnected . . . I'm breathing... going gently.
I'm on trip with my DH and son. There's a full length mirror here. I saw something beautiful in the mirror - a strong body ... that's me. I said to my DH do I really lo...


First, do no harm

Posted by gritgirl , 21 May 2015 · 55 views

I feel tentative - I haven't written in a while. I am very much focused on being so very very gentle and kind to myself. The memories are coming - finally. It is so hard but harder if I resist it. So I asked my DH for hugs and lots of gentleness and for him to pick up being the conversationalist in our family for a while. I need to go slow... and I feel a...


Feeling desperate

Posted by gritgirl , 11 May 2015 · 85 views

Woke last night - wide awake. i read some other blogs on Pandys - really a first for me. I feel so intensely self-focused I forget I'm not alone. I don't really know how to reach out to not be alone. 
Today I feel really really discouraged. I am so used to doing this alone I don't know any other way to be.
How do I let people in when I don't even kno...

July 2015

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