Caught in a whirlwind of anxiety/Inaugural Blog
I went to therapy last Friday, and my therapist suggested that I start a blog to document my emotions, experiences, memories and feelings as they arise. She suggested that I do so anonymously, or on one of these support group sites so that I can get some good, honest feedback without having to worry about judgement or ramifications. Since I love writing, I thought this was a good idea. I would have started this last week but I had one crazy weekend.
About a month ago my boyfriends brother committed suicide, so we decided to go camping, in order to spread his ashes. Since this trip was going to be emotionally charged enough, I was apprehensive about going, but I didn't want my boyfriend to have to say goodbye alone. I decided to go. For some reason, particularly the way my boyfriend does it, camping triggers my anxiety. My boyfriend is very interested in dispersed camping or back country camping. The basic idea is that you find the most remote place possible, with no people, and no campgrounds, and you pack all of your gear in. This idea is fascinating and exciting to me, and I have always been interested in survival techniques, but when it comes to actually doing it, a million different fears start to run through me. I'm paranoid about getting a ticket, starting a forest fire, being attacked by bears, even my dogs getting ticks. I cannot get rid of the feeling like we are going to be in trouble, and there is no where to run. This anxiety has gotten so bad recently, that I stopped going camping. This really makes me sad because I love nature, and it is probably one of the only places I really feel serene. But anxiety has ruined it. I don't understand why I can't just relax and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I've been working on meditation and trying to stay in the moment, but I am constantly looking over my shoulder. Even now, I am about to leave work for the day, and I keep feeling like there is going to be an eviction notice on my door when I get there. The only reason this thought came into my brain is because yesterday I saw a neighbor poke her head out of her door, look at me as I was walking down the hall, smile, and pop her head back in. I have no idea what she was looking for, but it made me think that one of our other neighbors did something that she didn't like, so she is going to blame us and we are going to get evicted. I seem to have these runaway fears that I cannot get a grip on. All day long I've been trying to be rational, trying to breath, or distract myself but I cannot get rid of this anxiety. I think it all boils down to the fact that I don't feel safe anywhere. At home, I am constantly afraid that the landlord is going to kick us out, so I cannot completely relax, at work, I am afraid my boss will think that I am not working hard enough so I will get fired, and even when I'm on vacation, in nature where all my stress is supposed to melt away, I find reasons to be afraid. I'm having a really hard time keeping it together today. I am sorry if I bring anyone down, I just can't seem to get a grip. My nerves are fried, my head hurts, my eyes burn yet I can't stop holding them open wide, trying to squeeze in whatever is caught on the edges of my peripheral vision.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I don't feel much better at the moment, but maybe once I let all of this settle, it will ease some anxiety.