Letting us down
I feel like lately I've been letting you down (which means I'm letting myself down).
I've worked so hard on trying to heal but now everything has just come crashing down. I don't know how to settle down and make things better.
Talking about what happened when I was little just turned everything upsidedown. What I thought I knew isn't really true anymore and I feel ill-equipped to handle this new reality. I don't want to give up. I've been tempted ... because this new way is so difficult and unknown to me.
I realize now I've been abusing myself again and again, or putting myself into situations where others are given the opportunity. I need to change. I want to change. I can't find the path to change.
I feel like a trapped animal that's been injured. I lashed out at my T yesterday - not in anger at her - just angry at everything in my life that hasn't been going well.
She said I've become very dark. That I need to consider medical leave from work and even mentioned intensive therapy. I don't want that for myself. I don't think I'd make it out.
I'm lost and I can't find my way.
I'm sorry I'm letting us down. I will try to do better.