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Used and Discarded - A Form of SH

Posted by VoiceofCommand , 13 August 2014 · 63 views

I've never thought of any of my problems or past as forms of SH until I came here and started reading the posts of my peers here at Pandy's. It has really opened my eyes to the ways that we can directly and indirectly self-harm and sabotage our own minds and bodies. I was always at a loss for words as to why I did some of the things I have in my past until this knowledge came to light and now I have understanding but no relief. To understand is not to keep it from happening I suppose or at least harboring the feelings from the past and it's effect on my life.
I have always been a very athletic and super active person. Ever since I was six I was a soccer player, always running and doing crunches and increasing my stamina. By high school, I was still growing but coming into my own. By then I had a terrible sarcastic streak that many couldn't understand because of the abuse in middle school and most left me alone to continue my drive of playing sports and preparing for civil service. It was after high school that people started paying attention to me but not because I was this amazing guy or interesting (at least not in my mind).... it was because I looked great with my shirt off on the beach or because I actually listened to their problems and gave sound advice. I became the guy who was fulfilling in sex, great for advice, and blindly trusting in relationships and easily abused and taken advantage of. USED and ABUSED is the title and for good reason. When your ex-wife since 2005 is continuing to hint at wanting to use you sexually it triggers and reinforces the idea that your only good for what you can give. When you look back and see all the relationships you've had and they seem to be based on what you could give THEM... it reinforces the idea. I have a very traditional southern upbringing and if I enter into a relationship with someone my inclination is to take perfect care of them. Maybe this makes me a target of women? I learned the hard way after my divorce that things are never as they seem. My ex-wife had bragged about our personal life to her friends and I suddenly had phone calls from people I couldn't remember and met only once or twice asking to go drinking or to the club. When I asked them what the real deal was, the truth eventually came out and it was because I was supposed to be some great lion in bed. Since when were relationships completely sex based? When did we go to one night stands being the relationship norm? I guess my entire existence has been all wrong I suppose. After being raped twice in one night by two different women I guess it reinforces the used and discarded mentality. Being told I was better in bed passed out drunk than her husband was sober has always stuck with me to this day. Why would someone be so hateful to their own spouse and then commit an act like that... and then say such things?
Maybe I deserve this? The possibilities are endless in this. It's my fault. Maybe my past has made me someone who seeks this out and wants to be used now? I've had to evaluate my own mind and that is a scary process. Could I really be a guy who wants to be hurt? Do I want to be harmed because it feels.... for lack of a better word... normal? I'm lost in the sauce here and feel like I can't get out of this cycle honestly. Going over the past I see a lifetime of being used and abused for someone else's means to an end. As I have looked at each aspect it resonates that this theme is "normal". Do I seek it out? I definitely don't want to but is the triggers and mind set so set in its ways that it happens anyways? Lots of questions and so little answers... it's looking at all this on paper (blog) that makes myself, and others, feel like it better to just go away and disappear than to acknowledge and find answers to the questions. At some point the questions become insurmountable.... and I find myself battling a neverending depression. Yes I fight it, because I've always been a fighter. This fighter has been through 5 combat tours and 12 years of active Army service. But just like with combat tours, I've grown tired of fighting. When is enough enough? Maybe I'm completely off base? Could the answers be easy? Who knows... because this guy does NOT.

January 2015

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