The Child In Me Knows.... **TW**
The child in me knows.... knows how for the rest of my life you took from me a joy I may never experience. A joy that I have always wanted in my adult life, that countless people have tried to bring to fruition, and none have succeeded. You robbed me of so much that I can not express verbally how badly it has affected me. I see it all around me. I hear it from my Soldiers, I see it on forum posts, and it haunts me that I have to accept that my trauma will never allow it. I'm angry, hurt, feel betrayed, why must it be this way? Why won't my body respond positively like its supposed to; instead of retreating into itself and never allowing what so many people brag and chatter about. I feel unworthy now. I feel like a freak of nature. My mind knows what it wants and my heart does to yet neither has the strength to override this. I'm a prisoner of my own body now because you did what you did. You've robbed me of enjoying something with the person I am with. Your disregard for me as a child now affects her too. Like a cancer it spreads to those who've been intimate in my life... at first they blame themselves. After a while, they blame me. It's my fault they say because I can't do what they want. I sit silently and take it because I can't find the words to scream out that it was taken from me at the age of 6. I can't admit it. I'm the guy - the soldier - the musclebound machine whose job is to shoot, move, and communicate - the rock of any relationship.... how can I admit that something so trivial and so far in the past is why they can't get what they want from me. Everyone else in their past can do it. Why am I different? It's because I don't love them they scream. Emotions flare and the battlefield is laid out. I can't engage a woman and I never will so I retreat off the battlefield and it signals that they're right automatically. Women always assume that inaction equates to being guilty or affirming their question with their answer. I won't fight a battle unarmed either, and I can't reveal this pain. The child in me knows.... it knows that the innocence lost that day followed me into adulthood and after 16 years of freedom as an adult I may never be free of it. How I wished you would have stabbed me in the heart that day and left me to bleed under that patio table. Every day that has past feels like you did. Lying there unable to do what I want... feeling the blood stream down my ribcage and pool around me slowly. There is no healing in my mind for this. There is no cauterizing the wound. No pressure to stop it no tourniquet to apply. Each day I live the blood flows and I get slowly more and more tired. The life giving supply not endless I wait for it to empty. How much time is left? The child in me knows that I hate you for what you did and what you stole and what I can't do.
Yes, I know, I'm hurting. This was for me today. This was just to let out my hatred for that little girl oh so long ago. She has no idea the damage she caused. Now I have no ability to orgasm from oral sex. It has pissed me off for decades. Today just happened to be the day I opened that box. Kinda embarassed now so I'll end this by saying thanks if you made it this far.