Jump to content

jsm_pdx's Blog


What a waste

Posted by jsm_pdx , 09 December 2014 · 114 views

I realize now how much of my life I've wasted. 
The only person I'm completely honest with is my T.
I'm paralyzed by fear to let people know me:
I'm not good enough
I'm not thin enough
I'm not smart enough
I'm not worth knowing
I'm not worthy of love
It goes on and on. I'm married and have friends and do the best I can...


The long descent

Posted by jsm_pdx , 24 June 2014 · 69 views

I keep hoping to reach bottom. Then I can climb out. Doesn't appear I've gotten there yet. At least if I fail this time I'll know I've put all my cards on the table. ... If I fail or quit I'm not sure I'll make it. I've started talking about the aftermath of my disclosure to my family with my T. Up to now it's probably the most difficult thing I've had to...


Meh ... Sinking

Posted by jsm_pdx , 23 June 2014 · 65 views

In my last post, I thought maybe I was climbing out. Not happening. At least not today. It's a bad day for self-h*te. It started last night. Nothing seems to be going right. Body image, work, etc.... I don't know why -- is it because my parents are coming to visit? Is it because I have T today? Is it because of PMS? All of the above? None of the above?...


Climbing out?

Posted by jsm_pdx , 15 June 2014 · 95 views

Climbing out? Earlier I posted that weekends are the worst. This weekend (so far, it's still a little early) has gone so much better than weekends have over the past 2 months. I think it was a combination of things. Despite feeling so weak and needy for having T sessions two times per week, I think it was helpful. That extra hour gave me more space ... to think. To bre...


Weekends are the worst

Posted by jsm_pdx , 14 June 2014 · 59 views

I realized late this week that although I totally look forward to the weekend -- a chance to rest, recharge, see my husband... I also fear it because when everything slows down it also gives my brain too much time to think. That's when I do my T homework. That's when I also start to process, second-guess, and realize the work I have ahead of me. We starte...


The Rules *Possible TW

Posted by jsm_pdx , 07 June 2014 · 64 views

These rules dont apply to anyone else - only me...

Dont trust anyone, or youll get hurt or worse
Dont talk, and if you do confuse them, and dont say anything important, just let them think you are
Youre not the daughter, wife, sister, friend anyone wants
Youre fat and ugly and dirty and youll never be good enough (but keep trying)
Help others so the...

October 2015

45 6 78910

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.