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Hoping She Drank Enough to Not Remember?

Posted by ALP , 22 June 2014 · 161 views

Last night I went out with my older sister and her friends for the first time because I was staying with her at her apartment. My sister and I have always had a complicated relationship because we dealt with the abuse we faced as children very differently. I was the one who talked about it but was also stuck in the past. I was younger and I had it harder towards the end. I also resented my sister quite a bit because of how she handled the abuse and because she was the only one who could answer my questions but refused to talk about anything involving the abuse. 
She was the first person I opened up to about the general gist of abuse I faced last year from my boyfriend. I was no where near thinking it was R but I told her what happened and she said, "that's a big accusation to make" and other than that she never addressed it, she never asked me about it and in fact she sort of took his side. I resent how my family reacted to me telling them about it greatly and have since chosen to not discuss with them. 
Anyways, I was out with my sister last night and we started opening up to one another because this past year I really started to understand how I was feeling and how I had chosen to deal with my feelings as well as starting to really move on. It was nice because it was the first time we were really ever on the same page about things but I stayed clear of talking about my ex. 
Later in the night I was decently drunk, not messy or belligerent in any way but definitely drunk and I was walking with her friend who was also drunk. We had been talking about the fact that my sister and I opened up to each other and about how nice it was and I don't know how but the topic of my ex came up. I told her what happened but in a different way than I had told my sister because now I have a better understanding of what happened. I don't know why I told this girl. Maybe subconsciously I hoped she would tell my sister in order for her to finally get it but I woke up this morning absolutely horrified that I did. I am so incredibly scared that she will talk to my sister about it and I hope more than anything right now that she doesn't remember the conversation. 
I used to be a very open book and to some extent I still am. However, I have consciously tried to refrain from telling everyone everything especially about my ex because it is still so recent and still so scary and painful that it's not something I'm willing to talk about too much. I am just so scared that she'll remember that conversation and not only possibly talk to my sister about it but also to have that information herself. I just want her to not remember it. 

July 2016

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