I woke up with my heart pounding for a very different reason than it had been when I went to sleep
I posted a week or two ago about the fact that I have a new guy in the picture and he is the first guy I see myself having a relationship with since my ex. I talked about how important it is to me that he knows about my past including both my abusive childhood and what my ex did to me. We've approached the topic just barely and he knows there is stuff for me to tell but doesn't know any of the details.
After I realized what my ex did I noticed that I had more trouble having sex with the same guy on a regular basis than I did having sex with a guy just once. After thinking about it, I realized that all of the men who abused me throughout my life were men I trusted and loved greatly and so I think that the idea of getting close to a guy physically scares the hell out of me. A guy can't hurt me if it's just a one-time, no strings attached type of thing.
Last night the new guy in my life (who lives 8 hours away while I am home for the summer) and I had our first more intimate moment in the sense that we were on the phone and talking each other through the sex we were imagining we would have. This was just after we talked about me coming to visit him. It was great, I was comfortable and I was happy.
Then I woke up this morning with my heart pounding for a very different reason than it had been when I went to sleep. I had another nightmare. It was a little less obvious but it was also the first one in which the attacker was my ex.
I was in love with my ex and I could see myself falling in love with this new guy and I am terrified that my intimate moments with him will lead me to have flashbacks or nightmares because he is the first guy I've felt this way about since.
A part of me feels like I couldn't have another intimate moment with him before I told him about what my ex did to me last year but I don't know how. I can't say it out loud or in my head in a full sentence and with him 8 hours away, is the phone an appropriate way to tell someone that? How do I say that sometimes I may want to want to have sex but I won't be able to? How do I say that getting intimate with you may cause my a world of pain the next morning?