What Got Me Here in the First Place
Last year I was a senior in high school and I fell in love for the first time and as of today, for the only time. He was wonderful, he got along with my family and I got along with his, he listened to me and cared a lot, even my overbearing family thought I would end up married to him. He was a year younger than me; he was the jealous type and would confront a guy if he said anything to me. I didn’t like that; I am perfectly capable of standing up for myself. Yet, no matter how many times I asked him not to say something he would anyways causing unnecessary tension between everyone involved. Nonetheless, I loved him.
The summer before I entered my first year of college he was working at a sleep away camp and therefore we were apart for the majority of the summer. We started getting into a lot of fights over the phone because he never trusted me. I had been with more people than he had before we started dating and he was never really okay with it. He started logging onto my facebook without me knowing and looking at my messages, now I was getting ready to go to a school eight hours away from home in which I knew nobody so I was talking to both guys and girls who would be attending the same college. He would yell at me and accuse me of being unfaithful, which I never was. I would try to break up with him and he would tell me that I wouldn’t survive on my own and that I needed him, he would tell me that if I broke up with him I would just go back to whoring around. I come from a verbally and emotionally abusive childhood home and I never thought I would stand for it again and so I would break up with him but he always came back apologizing and telling me he didn’t mean it and that he loved me. I loved him so I kept taking him back.
A couple weeks before I was to leave for college he came home from camp, it was pretty obvious we were going to break up when I left for school but we agreed to continue seeing each other until then. I wasn’t comfortable having sex with him though, we had been fighting too much and we were going to break up soon and it just didn’t feel right. Previously, we had been pretty sexually compatible and in a lot of ways I was incredibly comfortable with him, however, in a lot of ways I didn’t have a choice but to be. He would do things that I didn’t like but that made it seem like I was completely comfortable with him because they were personal grooming things that I wouldn’t let anyone do other than myself. Then I remember, I didn’t want him to and I’d say no and he just wouldn’t stop. He’d assure me it was fine and tell me to relax and keep at it until I did. He did the same thing about wearing a condom. I wasn’t on birth control at the time and so I always said no, I said I wasn’t okay with that and he’d say, “just one time” or “just for a second”. I’d push him out of me but eventually I got tired of doing so and I’d just lie there.
Anyways, he got home and I told him I didn’t want to have sex and we’d argue about it and then he’d say okay but when we would go to his house he would try to have sex with me. I said no. At one point I was sick and I said I didn’t feel well and he told me to relax, that it would make me feel better, that it was fine. He’d get on top of me and no matter how many times I said no he wouldn’t get off of me until I just gave up and let him do it.
I didn’t know it was a problem until he came and visited me at school. I told him not to, that I thought it would be better to wait to see each other once I got home but he kept pushing me to let him come. He got to my school and I greeted him with a kiss on the lips but later that night he started kissing my body and touching me and I kept saying no. I kept telling him I needed him to give me space, I wasn’t comfortable, to stop touching me and he’d say okay but within seconds he’d be back at it again. He got on top of me and I kept saying no, I kept telling him to get off of me and he wouldn’t. I told him I felt like I was being raped and I started crying and shaking. It wasn’t until then that he stopped and we went outside to try to calm me down. I told him he couldn’t stay the weekend that he had to leave the next day. He ended up missing his train and having to stay. Yet, I kept sharing a bed with him. I still didn’t know that anything was wrong.
A couple days after he left I had a dream or a nightmare that a friend of mine raped me. That’s when I knew that something was wrong. I told my sister and she dismissed it as though it was nothing. Then I came home for Thanksgiving and he convinced me to see him and told me we wouldn’t have sex…we did and I had said no. It wasn’t till a month or so later that I cut off communication with him and opened up to my family about it.