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If I start will it end?

Posted by sinn85206 , 16 May 2014 · 186 views

     I have no idea where to start because it never ends.  I'm sitting here on the computer watching over my shoulder.  I'm so ashamed to even be on here.  I don't want anyone to see what I'm doing.  Yes they know but I don't feel as if they understand how devastated I am.  How much it has effected me and my life.  How I walk on eggshells everyday.  Painting a smile on my face so they don't see the pain.  I try to talk to them about it but all I get is feedback of what I should do, what I should have done, why didn't I stop it? It was months ago.  I'm still afraid to talk about it.  I don't want to ruin his childrens lives. But he gets to move on like nothing happened and I get to struggle everyday.  He was a friend.  I trusted him.  I was stupid.  His son is best friends with mine.  I went to school with him since Jr. High.  I put his son and my sons happiness before mine.  Am I wrong to do this? I want so badly to report him.  I want him to be punished for what he did to me.
     His ex wife contacted me after she saw a anti r*pe post I had put up.  She asked me if it had to do with him.  I didn't reveal any information to her about anything that had happened.  I was in shock when she told me about what he had done to her.  It was the same in every way.  The sleeping pills, the waking up, the excuses when he was confronted.  It seems he has a habit of this.  How many others has there been?  There are signs that his 20 year old daughter is remembering of him getting too close to her also.  He would play with my pregnant daughters hair and she would leave the room because she felt uncomfortable.  He sees fear as respect.  I have no respect for him.  Does that mean that I shouldn't fear him? I fear what he is capable of while I'm asleep.  Awake I see him as a coward.  Yet when he is going to drop his son off at the house I get nervous.  He's the one that should feel the way I do. 
     If I turn him into the police would it help at all?  Would I be able to save someone else from him?  I couldn't live with myself if I were to find out about another after me.  He does need to be stopped.  Would I have the strength to do it?
     I don't even know exactly what happened to me because of the sleeping pill.  I know for a fact that something did happen.  He looked me in my face and told me he r*ped me.  Said he couldn't control himself, he should have stopped, he went too far.  Why would I still talk to him after that?  My father was in the hospital and passed away 2 months afterward.  I'm a total mess and don't know where to turn.  I really just want my Dad to hug me one more time and tell me he will help me through this like he always did. 
     For now I guess I will just wait on an answer.  For a sign.  For hope.  For help.  For love.  For that hug.

sinn, I am so very sorry this happened to you. I wish I had some words of wisdom. THe decision on whether to report or not is so very personal. I opted not to report and yes I live with the thought that they are out there doing it to someone else. If I every get to a point where I have feelings I can imagine I will have a ton of guilt about that. But I had to make the best decision I could at the time.

Whatever you choose to do please know there is no right or wrong. If I do feel guilty for not reporting I hope I also feel forgiveness for myself for that. My T has repeatedly told me there is nothing to feel guilty about. That I am not responsible for anyone  elses behavior. And neither are you. Please take gentle care.

:hug: if ok.

I'm so sorry.

What Lolli said.

One thought about reporting: to heal, you need to feel safe. It must be hard to feel safe with him around and hard.

Your son and his son may be friends but you should not have to put up with him because of it.


Thank you Lolli and Susanna,

     I have always stood up for others.  It should be easy to stand up for myself.  It's harder than I thought.  I know that many have failed to put their abusers behind bars. It only led to a lot of heartache and more stress than it was worth.  I have told him to stay away from me and my family via text message.  That is my final text to him.  He has been told now.  If he does continue to try to befriend my son then I will have no choice but to take the next step of a restraining order.  I've decided that I DO NOT want my son to be subjected to his influence in any way. 

July 2016

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