Back to the Womens' Centre and Orthopedist
First i got x-rayed by a guy who couldn't speak english and my translator/supporter and nurse couldn't be in the room. So it was just the two of us. Because he couldn't speak english and couldn't direct me on how to stand or position my body, so he had to place me in certain positions himself. This was not a something I should've been afraid of, nor felt in danger, he was careful and gentle. But i couldnt help but feel uneasy. i had to be placed in many positions, both lying down and standing up while wearing a loose shirt that barely fit and was very 'airy' felt like i was there topless.
After a long time I was told to change and wait to see the orthopedist. Once i got in there was a stool on wheels, which i sat on, I don't think i realised i had pulled the chair further from the side of the desk and the doctor. When he's finished looking at some pics of my shoulders, he reached forward under my chair and pulled my chair towards him. I realised that he just wanted me to see the computer, but that simple act sent me in panic mode, though i know i had no reason to be scared, since both my translator and my nurse was there with me.
He then leans forward and places his hand on my shoulder and says "Right arm?" I was looking down and when i looked up he was unsually close, or so it felt that way, his face ...body..was just way too close to mine, again i felt a surge of panic.
With the chair pulling, he could've said come forward abit or something. When i asked my translator how serious it is, he listened in, understood and responded to me in English, so he obviously speaks it well. Plus he's quite young, most young people here are good at it.
I don't know if i'm over-reacting over this, just before these check ups, i had to have another check-up with a gynae to see if there was any lessions left behind, it was quite invasive, as with anything that involves a stranger looking down there. But since that check-up, I wasn't feeling okay for more guys to be touching or near me.
The womens centre has a report or form of some sort that they show to the hospital, that means all fees will be taken care of by them, I'm not really sure what it says exactly but can guess it says something about my experience, i guess it had to. I don't know if the doctors saw the form or not, but i know the nurses did.
I think I'm over reacting... these are good people and are trying to help, but still, it was a hard day, and I feel guilty for panicking around them when i know their intention was definitely not to hurt me....even though i know these things...still...
Tomorrow i have to go back and see the doctor about my shoulder to see how it's healing. Ofcourse he'll want to check movement, I hope he'll direct me on what to do, rather than just position me himself. I hope I wont need physio, I dont think i can handle that.
I hate the person i am right now, I hate how scared and paranoid I've become. I went for phyio before all this, it was for my hip, that was pretty invasive, the physion had to massage soemtimes on my hip and my underwear had to be a little down, ofcourse i was covered and he was extremely professional, but before all this, it'll didnt feel invasive, it felt maybe a little uncomfortable but it felt 'normal' so to say.
I was fine in my life before all this, since my childhood, i'd grown in my strength and trust, and now again, some asshole takes it all away from me.
How long am i gonna take this time to trust, for doctor visits to be okay, for me to be okay... my life so far...has shown me that trust is just not possible, to never let my guard down, I thought i could let it down with friends i trusted, but that proved me wrong, so so wrong ... :/
I feel I've come some way since 2 weeks ago, maybe not alot, but a little enough for me to see the difference. I pray i don't lose it all in one day, i pray i have strength tomorrow..