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My anger

Posted by PinkWalls , 16 May 2014 · 144 views

I made the move to my apartment today.
And as I expected I couldn't keep my emotions in check. My co-worker noticed this and offered to help out, since she was the only one who knew at work anyway, I thought...sure I didn't want to go there alone anyway. At that same time, I noticed something strange between another co-worker and the one who knew....I asked again, for the millionth time, "you didn't tell anyone else right?"
And that's when she admits that she did say something. The betrayal and anger I felt at that moment...this is something so personal...something I'm still struggling to cope with while still trying to lead a 'normal' life at work...\
 
I didn't know what to say to her...I just told her forget coming with me...I can go alone, I can do it by my self...
 
I can't trust her anymore...she says only one other knows about this....but then again she also told me no one knows about this....I'm sure more people at work know...
 
I was just getting into the hang of things again at work...the usual coffee breaks get-togethers, the after lunch teas get-togethers...I was comfortable knowing that no one knew...but now...I don't know how many of them actually know, I don't know how to face them.
 
I want to avoid everything and everyone, but I can't do that. I'm so angry at her for betraying my trust, I'm so angry at her for still showing up at my apartment saying she wants to help, and then complaining how tired she is, that bitch who hardly did much at all but tape up a few boxes. That bitch who had the nerve to ask me to eat with her as if everything was okay, and when I refused she had the nerve to ask me why....That bitch...that bitch ...that BITCH!!!!
 
Maybe i'm just taking out my anger on her, maybe I just need an outlet, and she's it .... but i'm so angry, I regret so much, I feel guilty for so much, I feel sad for so much... why did a part of me think that she'd understand at all. I should never have told her the truth in the first place, I should've made something up.
 
I hate myself for all of it. I hate the world, I hate people ... I want to stop caring, about everything and everyone and what they think... they can shove it up their asses for all I care...maybe it's not a good road to go down...but i'm tired of caring...of trusting... I just want to switch it all off ...to just not give a fuck... I thought about it a lot on way back to the motel today...
 
Its my last day here....it's a long way from everywhere...all the way...all I felt was anger... I usually cared when people looked at me, as if they can see straight through me... I cared about people judging me....but through my anger at 'that bitch' I didn't care anymore...and it was liberating, I felt nothing...
 
As I packed up my old apartment, my anger consumed me, and I felt nothing but it, I didn't panic, I didn't cry, I didn't feel....and that was liberating.  I'm probably not gonna be the most fun person to be around anymore, probably not gonna laugh as much anymore....but screw that.... I don't care that I lose my friends because of my change, theyre not here with me anyway.
 
I like my anger, I like not caring, I like not feeling.  I refuse to switch back.



I'm sorry she betrayed you. You deserve better than that Pink. You deserve someone you can trust to be there with you, to help you get through all this pain. 

Obviously this woman has not walked in your shoes cuz if she had she would know how awful it is to be betrayed by a "friendly".  As if survivors haven't been betrayed enough to last many lifetimes.  I agree with you that she is untrustworthy but sorry it was in regards to something so horribly invasive to you.

 

It never ceases to amaze me how people take betrayals of confidential information so lightly and everything will be forgiven and forgotten and remain the same.

 

Your anger is justified and probably amplified to include some anger directed at your abuser cuz if you were not a survivor this friend would not have betrayed you in over such an ughly thing.  Just remember they do deserve your anger along with the guilt and shame they should feel.  That is all on them not you.

 

Trust in yourself first and as you heal trustworthy people will find you for friendship.

 

Take good care of you.

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whodatninja
May 17 2014 04:07 PM

your anger is justified. i'm surprised you didn't snap on her for that. don't withdraw completely from the world though, you'll only end up very angry and distrustful and making yourself sick.

 

keep fighting and go with grace.

June 2016

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