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Feeling trapped: Body aging but soul trapped in childhood.

Posted by rhiley1 , 11 July 2014 · 68 views

How does one move on from the abuse they had inflicted upon them when it happened at such an integral part of their emotional and physical growth. Sometimes when people ask me how old I am, I have to think really hard before I answer. Sometimes i want to say 11 or 13 or 16 sometimes I want to say younger than that. My sexual abuse history as far as I can remember started at 11, but the physical and mental torture started way earlier. I was a target by siblings and cousins when I was younger also by neighborhood kids and school kids.
I feel mentally trapped in a state of adolescence of prepubescent childish fear at what would be done to me the next time the bullies got at me. I also realise now as I write this that one if my abusers showed signs of weird sexual behavior before she even had her 2 boy friends sexually assault and rape me.
Part of me wants to annihilate her and beat the crap out of her if only with words and the other part of me wants to cover for her. To lie and hide what she did as from about age 10 she and her mother both proclaimed that she had been sexually assaulted by the mums boyfriend.
Looking back on this now I don't know how the mum could have willingly stayed with the boyfriend and I
don't know how my parents could allow us to stay over at that house after being told what the boyfriend was capable of doing to us girls.
Even before I knew what he had done he always made me feel really uncomfortable.
So many times in my childhood I was put into a vulnerable and compromising position either by other older teens or by adults.
Now on a regular basis I feel sometimes I behave in a childish manner because I never really got to be a proper child when I was that age.
Even to some extent when I do my artwork if it is about what happened to me it is very childish. Otherwise my artwork is ok and sometimes even shows a little promise.

Jul 11 2014 10:43 PM

I've been wondering, the  same thing.

Yeah Blondie it's weird isn't it to be in your 20 30 40s but feel like a pretee

February 2015

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