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Unexpected hope...

Posted by castellum , 22 May 2014 · 39 views

Unexpected Hope....
Sometimes, throughout this over 20 year journey to heal, I have found unexpected hope.
Sometimes it is hope from people, sometimes from a change in scenery, sometimes it is hard to accept how others see us.
we have been twisted up for so long that we cannot see ourselves clearly...nor how someone else might actually see us as we are.....or hope to be?
I spent a few days visiting my son at his school. It takes a day to drive there....and his school is connected to a monastery.
I get to see amazing mountain views and nature that takes my breath away as we drive.
Somehow these sights change how I see my world for awhile.
Though I was abused by my brother.....I spend time with my spiritual brothers...the monks.
Yes, I am a woman and they are all men....but they are so kind and care so deeply for me and my family. When I visit with them I realize that I have a lot of learning to heal left to do.....but through their quiet conversations with me ( they have some monks with counselling experience)...I find hope....I find joy as I see them live out their lives in simple ways....its not easy....but they try to keep their lives simple...and they make time for everything they need to do including recreation time...this balance they have found is what I long for.
I am a work in progress....
My son was telling me about another classmate who had found a gift for his mother, but when he gave the gift his mother rejected it....the boy was very hurt and confided in my son about this.  My son told me how shocked he was and he said " I told him that my mom would never do that!" He then went on and on raving about his wonderful mother, and told the boy his mom would love whatever he gave her etc".....somehow this always shocks me.....then makes me want to yell, " Yes! that's my son! Yes, I am his wonderful mother! "  what? me? Wonderful? kind of strong words? So what did this boy, whose mother rejected his gift do?  After talking with my son, he told him he wanted to give this gift to me......( I had met this young man before so he kind of knew me a bit)....and he did.....and I thanked him and told him I would take good care of this gift....
Then what did the 'mother' within me want to do? I wanted to hunt down  the mother who would reject her child's gift!!! lol.....warrior mother came out of me!  Of course, I did not do that....but I realized something very profound.....
Somehow, Somehow....because my son believes in me, loves me, and thinks i am wonderful.....this boy did not want to waste his thoughtful gift....and so he gave it to someone he thought would appreciate it....and hopefully, though he was hurt by his mother, he will know that not all mothers are like that....and that he deserves better...hopefully we gave each other some unexpected hope....
Little Cas doesn't feel like she had a mother like that.....I think that is why she felt so strongly the urge to protect this young man in his hurt....The challenge is how do I help Little Cas to be loved as her children have grown to love her?
How do we come to accept that we are good and valuable and treasures for others? When we have lost the map to find that treasure within us?
When the moments of anxiety and depressiveness start to edge in on me.....these are the unexpected hopes that I will cling to....and the gratefulness that I feel when I look at my children....their tender care and love for me...they are the best part of me.....i need to remember that.

Cas, I absolutely loved reading this post.  It is so bittersweet, like a movie that makes one laugh in the midst of crying and has one leaving the cinema with a sense of deep satisfaction and oneness with the world.  Thanks for sharing.


May 23 2014 10:49 PM
Cas, it really touched my heart when you said the boy wanted to give the gift to you. In fact, it tore at my heart. I would have reacted the same way. And then the sadness for Little Cas hit me too.

I am trying to see myself as my children see me....I have always told them I am not perfect and make mistakes...but they tell me I am beautiful and wonderful....I am truly blessed to have these amazing children in my life....that I recognize without hesitation, learning however to love myself and little cas as somehow I have loved them isn't an easy feat somehow.


Once, when I was upset about somethings my mother had done, it was my teenage daughter who cried and held me....I was so worried about upsetting her or leaning on her , and even trying to allow her to have her own memories of her Nana without me and mine making everything seem negative...when i told her I was sorry I made her cry,she said, "oh mommy, I am not crying for me, I am crying for you because you did not have a mommy who loves you as much as mine loves me!"


I think my children are a huge part of my healing process as they teach me who I am through their eyes...and since that person seems pretty great, maybe I am not permanently a cracked pot after all? 


Thanks Allegro and intrepid she....your support and care mean so much to me. I wish us all healing and peace of mind, body and soul!


March 2015

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