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If they only knew....

Posted by castellum , 02 May 2014 · 51 views

Sometimes I think to myself, 'if they only knew' the anxiety I am trying to hide.
The pain that bites so deeply sometimes and for so many years that my eyes do not know how to cry.
But within me, well it sounds so melodramatic, but there is such suffering within me sometimes.
 
And yet, most people would never know.....I became so adept at hiding and pretending for so many years.
Until my body became so sick it would not allow me to anymore.
When the doctor asked me " how is it that you are even walking around?"....a year after surgery, many improvements have occurred and I guess I can say 'progress'?....
 
I balance between enjoying my life and feeling so very depressed and anxious....
Because my children rely on me, my husband too....I keep it together as much as I can..
But must medicate to sleep at night or would be up all night because that is when I am unable to shut my
brain down....when I toss and turn and plea and beg and wish for my past to be different in the present.
 
There are lots of things that I can say 'I know'.....but accepting and living with them are different beasts.
My hubby is supportive and tries to help....he knows he cannot 'fix' things for me....tires to listen when I fall off the tracks etc...neither of us has any answers...and I pray for healing daily.....though I cannot form the words....I feel the waves of a prayer swell within me....hoping God hears and will one day point me in the direction I need to go next.
 
I don't want my parents or my abusive brother to know that they indirectly still affect me...that my parents rejection hurts etc....I have told them my feelings over the years and been told to figure it out myself....
 
I really dislike that I have become less trusting of people....and easily lose trust in people.....
sometimes looking out for those signs that someone cannot be trusted....
and I hate the anxiety....the worry....how did I function  for so very long without it disabling me as it has done the last few years????
 
I don't want my children to know just how much pain I carry.....but I know they can see more than I realize....which then makes me try harder to be stronger for them....they are all still young and need their mama to enjoy life alongside them.
 
I have seen beauty and know what it looks like.....outside of myself....
I have seen love and know what it feels like...from my children
and I weep and weep for my little girl within......for what she thought was love turned out to be something else.
And though I now stand in truth and won't lie for them anymore...
it is still too uncomfortable for others to stand there with me....to accept that something that terrible happened
because I remained on civil terms with my parents for so many years ...
 
Lets face it, I guess I still hide a bit...pretend a bit....just don't lie about why....I don't need to tell people anything.
But not everyone has it within them to hear how I really feel each day.....so sometimes, I put on that mask of "I am well, and you?" instead of crawling back into bed.



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deepsadness
May 02 2014 12:53 AM

I can relate so much to  this thank for posting this. 

If only they knew... is poignantly written, thank you for sharing this.  Sitting with you.

But not everyone has it within them to hear how I really feel each day.....so sometimes, I put on that mask of "I am well, and you?" instead of crawling back into bed.

 

I get through the day. Hope that tomorrow will be better. Or maybe the next day.

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yarnfoolishness
May 02 2014 06:29 PM

Sometimes it's one breath at a time.  Walking the journey is hard, but we are in good company here on Pandy's.

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intrepidshe
May 02 2014 11:07 PM

Sometimes it's one breath at a time.  Walking the journey is hard, but we are in good company here on Pandy's.

 

Amen to that! We are indeed.

Hi Castellum,
 
Really happy to see another blog on here from someone else who just can't take being silent anymore.
I too love word pictures. You are in good company with many supportive people.
I have recently welcomed little mac into my life, and I understand the need to let little cas express herself to you, and through you to us.
 
I can't read the little cas post right now, because little mac is angry too but not ready to deal with that yet. He is still letting himself be secure in my love for him. He was hiding in the dark with monsters for all those years, trapped in the past, crying.  It used to be like he had a big gorilla to protect him when he felt threatened, but now he's got me, he doesn't need that anymore.
I'm just happy that the crying has stopped and little mac is enjoying life in me. Easy does it. I'm going to copy some of this into my blog.
 
Keep finding your voice, it is good to hear.

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