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creating cas

Posted by castellum , 29 April 2014 · 45 views

I love poetry....my favorite poetic device is the metaphor. I often see my life as word pictures....
some of the poetry of my life is beautiful because it does not hide behind the pretenses of what others expect of me. For a long while, I have felt as though my voice was silenced. The farther away from the catharsis of theatre (which was my therapy for years), that I got, the more my voice within was silenced....pulled in, muted....
 
I used to be a prolific writer.....journaled etc....but its been years since i could coherently express anything in words for long.  I have felt a deep loneliness in this as I feel emotions etc still so deeply...but they lay like something lodged in my throat...like a stone, weighing heavily on my throat....and I have grown hoarse trying to get  those who have hurt me to not only hear me, but deal with it...to just speak the truth already!!! Why would they rather live the lie?....
 
So this is an adventure for me.....castellum is Latin for Castle. I found the word several years ago and liked it.
It sounded strong.....solid....it has kind of stuck with me for many years now.....but I think that, since joining( or stumbling into Posted Image pandy's, I am beginning to see that perhaps cas/castellum is who i am deep inside and have not been able to express etc?
 
I have found the last few years, that the closer I move toward freedom from my abusive past, the more those that do not want to deal with it try to pull me back into their world. And just when I think I am starting to doubt myself and my need for healing, i find others here who struggle with the same things....and I realize that no! no! no!
I am on the right path...the path of truth....and i cannot turn backwards no matter how it hurts inside...no matter how I wish things were different and my parents would chose to protect me, to be honest, and stop covering all the skeletons in the closet that they have stuffed in over the years to not deal with my abusive brother and their neglect and manipulations wanting to make me keep it all in that closet....
 
My voice is still sore, hoarse from trying to cry out past the stone in my throat. I go between periods where I feel okay, I have a wonderful little family of my own now, they are my treasure!....and then there is that dark place....where I find it hard to breathe and the anxiety mounts and rides over me, I feel pummelled into exhaustion. I sometimes wonder how long this battle for my castle will last? How long does this war take to win?
In war, there is so much pain and hurt....but I refuse to be the collateral damage of this anymore.....yet how do I get past it?
 
" The roads are dark and deep, and I have miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep"~ taken from Robert Frost.....



Hi cas.  I'm so glad that you are finding your voice and feeling the compulsion to write again.

 

I have found the last few years, that the closer I move toward freedom from my abusive past, the more those that do not want to deal with it try to pull me back into their world.

 

I feel this too, although I don't know if it's all in my head, since few people actually know what's going on with me.  Still, I do think that when we disclose our truth, we are asking the people in our lives to see us differently, to acknowledge that difference and to understand that we need them to respond to us differently, sometimes giving more of themselves than they have been used to.  In short, we are asking THEM to change too and find ourselves locked in a struggle with their resistance to change in addition to our own.  It's a heavy burden that I feel as less of a weight than a drag and the temptation is just to sever the rope and leave that burden (and those people) behind.  That's a big problem when those people are family.

 

Sorry, I think that's more about me than you.  Anyway, welcome to Pandy's blog.  I like your name and its connotations and I also really liked your choice of the Robert Frost quote. metoyou.gif

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intrepidshe
May 02 2014 11:05 PM

In war, there is so much pain and hurt....but I refuse to be the collateral damage of this anymore.....yet how do I get past it?

 

This is certainly a question I struggle to answer as well. I think the answer is to keep trying, eventually you'll find the way. It's not a wonderful answer. I wish there was a better one.

 

But, we're here for you and with you to encourage you to keep trying, and to rest when you need to.

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