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Very angry

Posted by Mimarinemom , 24 April 2014 · 48 views

I'm new to this.
In a few days I turn 50.
Three weeks ago I started having horrible night terrors/night mares. I knew my whole life that when I was five years old I was sexually abused. But I didn't know who, just remembering bits and pieces. Now it is all very vivid....except I still don't know who. And I don't care to know. I don't want to deal with this. The horrible part is I remember telling my mom and she slapped me and called me a liar.
I've had a stressed relationship my whole life with my parents.
I have moments where I just can't stop crying, usually during the day. I'm afraid to sleep. And I'm mad! I'm embarrassed and I don't know what to do with all of this.....



I am sorry you are going through all of this and sorry there was a need for you to even find Pandy's but I am glad you are here. It is frightening and difficult that we cannot control our brain in what and when it reminds us of what happened. I am sorry your  mother did not respond better and protect you. Talking to someone might help ease some of the fear. I understand the embarrassment part but  you did nothing to be embarrassed about. It was done to you. You will find lots of support here at Pandy's. For me when the terrible fear of sleep is rampant I leave the tv on in my room........it helps. Please take gentle care.

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Mimarinemom
Apr 24 2014 10:11 PM
Thank you Lolli. I'm trying some exercise, mediatation and doing some journaling tonight. Hopefully my brain will turn off enough to sleep.
:metoyou: This can feel overwhelming. When things have been locked away for ages and then come out it is so hard to deal with.

I'm so sorry that someone hurt you when you were so little and that your mom let you down so badly. I am very angry with her on your behalf - she could have made such a big difference to your life and instead she abandoned you at your time of need and, worse, told you not to believe yourself. She slapped you and called you a liar. What a SHAMEFUL thing to do, when you deserved comfort and support, someone to stand up for you and fight for you and to denounce the person who did this, whoever it was.

I'm not surprised you've had a difficult relationship with your parents. You had to 'trust' someone who showed themselves untrustworthy.

What a creative little girl you were to find a way to live through that and survive. It may be that you have just reached a time when it is right for you to deal with this now.

Do you have someone to help you through this?

Thinking of you.
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Mimarinemom
Apr 25 2014 06:37 AM
Thank you Susanna.
You're right, my parents let me down especially my mom. I think I feel so defeated because it's just yet another instance where they failed me...there is a long list. And just at a time in my life where I was allowing forgiveness. My husband tried calling my mom to see if she had any info that might help. He didn't know at the time about her slapping me...she hung up on him when he mentioned my nightmares. I'm a mom and a grandma and I've had to learn to be my own best friend and nurturer, it's difficult. I want to understand why, but there is no rational reason. I just wish things were different.
Thank you for your words...they help.

October 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.