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What he did

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 04 June 2014 · 111 views

After talking with my friend she realised, and pointed it out to me, that I was only talking about me and my emotions, my feelings. But that I hadn't considered his actions and his intentions.
I've spent some time thinking about this. What he did and why he did it. It's been hard to do this, but in considering all his actions I've reached a greater understanding that he just wanted sex and I was just the object by which he got that. All his actions and words were calculated to make me compliant and to give in. Whether he had planned it all in any great detail, I don't know. But I do know that there was definitely some planning.
He came back on the second day. Even if the first day had been spontaneous, this second day was planned. He walked into my house as soon as I opened the door (I didn't know who was there before I opened the door). He didn't ask if I wanted to see him. He didn't ask if it was convenient. He didn't ask if there was anyone else in the house. He invaded my home. 
He locked the door and took the keys. He then knew I had nowhere to go. He possessed my keys and, consequently, possessed me. 
He never asked if I wanted to have sex. He never made sure of consent. He just commanded me to do things - and I did them. Not because I wanted to, but out of self-preservation. 
All his actions, taken together, lead to him having calculated and planned the outcome he wanted - and making sure he got it. He had no concern for me during the whole time. He was only concerned about him.

I could've written most of this story, it's hard to come to terms with the fact that my feelings and needs meant nothing to him but I am starting to separate how I felt from what happened.


I think my abuser was of the same mindset, he knew we had a prior relationship so it would be easier than trying to get sex from someone else he didn't already know and that really hurts to think like that.


Sorry that all of this happened to you but it sounds like your making progress working through it. <3

I am sorry for what he did to you.  It is brave to share and to write it down. 

Jun 05 2014 08:32 PM

Oh god, I'm so sorry. I am sorry this happened to you. It was indeed brave to write it down and share it.


Sitting with you.

February 2016

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