My Story - part 3
On my knees he then told me to suck him. I remember him wearing faded blue jeans, a black belt and white Y-fronts. I did as I was told. Hating him and hating myself for doing this. I hated doing it. He then made me undress. In front of the window, where anyone could see me. But there was no-one TO see me.
Then he made me go upstairs and on the bed, where he ... where he ...
Okay, sometimes I just can't say it.
where he r*ped me. I don't know how long for. I tried to go some place else in my head. I was anywhere but where I was, while he carried on and on.
Eventually he got off me. I was instructed to 'stay there - don't move'. I thought he was going to go to the bathroom and then come back for more, but I heard the front door go. Even then I only dared moved very quietly - just in case it was a game to see if I would stay still. But I looked out of the window and he was gone.
I have spent the last 19 years telling myself that it was an affair, that I had wanted it. Because the alternative was unbearable.
I got depressed after this and came close to taking my own life. Although I saw a counsellor then, I never told them what happened to me. I think they guessed I wasn't saying something, but they didn't push.
It's taken until now. Earlier this year I was going over my whole life. I've had other stuff happen since then, and I wanted to tell my whole story to someone. I did tell them my story, except when I came to this part. When I could only say of this second day that 'I just let him'. I know this would have been enough for anyone to have understood, and yet it suddenly wasn't enough and I had to explain more. I wrote my story - in third person - and let her read it. She then told me I was/am a victim and it wasn't my fault. I still didn't want to accept that, but I'm glad I told someone. I'm starting to get there now.
I was a victim. I'm now a survivor.