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Gwynhwfar's Blog



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Wanting/Not Wanting To Die

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 14 June 2016 · 74 views

I've been thinking about death. Too much time to think, probably.
 
I'd given my T all my sleeping tablets. I don't need them to get to sleep, but I recognised that I kept them because falling asleep would be such an easy way to go. I didn't want the temptation at home.
 
But, I've been thinking about death. I've asked T for my tablets back. I w...


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What I feel

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 16 March 2016 · 116 views

I feel I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I keep crumpling to the floor. No substance to hold me up. Stop the world I want to get off. Find my feet and quieten my heart.
The tears that fall cascade over me and drown me sorrow and pain – from a life I’d forgotten and wanted to forget. From a life and memories I don’t want to ga...


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Letter to myself

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 22 July 2014 · 209 views

*TW*
 
I've just spent a few days in quiet, solitude, just thinking and reading and writing about what had happened to me. To help, I've used the Resurrection After Rape book and have done a number of the exercises. This entry is the outcome of one of those exercises.
 
The exercise is to write a letter to myself backwards in time, to the day ju...


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What he did

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 04 June 2014 · 183 views

After talking with my friend she realised, and pointed it out to me, that I was only talking about me and my emotions, my feelings. But that I hadn't considered his actions and his intentions.
 
I've spent some time thinking about this. What he did and why he did it. It's been hard to do this, but in considering all his actions I've reached a greater...


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Busy week

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 28 April 2014 · 149 views

Why is it that Mondays always seem to be the worst? Perhaps it's the weekend. I'm with hubby the whole time, so bottle it all in the whole time. So, come Monday morning, something has to give - and there I am again in the toilet crying my eyes out. 
 
Concentration, too, is also not good. I've got a full week this week. Delivering training for t...


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My Story - part 3

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 26 April 2014 · 138 views

*TW*
 
On my knees he then told me to suck him. I remember him wearing faded blue jeans, a black belt and white Y-fronts. I did as I was told. Hating him and hating myself for doing this. I hated doing it. He then made me undress. In front of the window, where anyone could see me. But there was no-one TO see me. 
Then he made me go upstairs and...


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Crashing Waves

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 23 April 2014 · 148 views

Not such a good day today. Didn't sleep much last night. Not really nightmares, but my brain just won't shut up when I wake in the night. Not really anything about the abuse stuff, just general stuff. 
 
Then at work I had to go and cry - several times during the day. Don't know what triggers these bouts of tears. I can be feeling absolutely fin...


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Thoughts - 1

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 22 April 2014 · 130 views

I've been thinking about forgiveness. Not really forgiveness of him. But forgiveness of myself.
 
I have not forgiven myself for what happened. Now, I know that I didn't have the control or the power - that that was taken from me on that day. But I still feel I let myself get in that situation. Even though I know that it doesn't make sense. So, I'...


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2 - My Story - part 2

Posted by Gwynhwfar , 22 April 2014 · 112 views

So green day today. Was interrupted yesterday.
 
My exam went off without hitch (found out weeks later that I'd passed). I really forgot all about him or even having seen him. 
 
The next day I walked into town, just to go for a walk. And there he was. Just walking. We met and walked and talked. It was like old times. Then he asked me i...


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1. My Story - Part 1

Posted by Gwynhwfar , in Story, Uncategorized 21 April 2014 · 156 views

Feeling purpley today. So, I've been here for a few days. I've finally accepted I was raped and wondering 'now what?'. How do you move from accepting on a intellectual level that something happened. That that something was sexual abuse and that it wasn't my fault. I get all that. But how to get my emotions to let go. To let my body remembrances let go....





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