4th of July (major TW)
I have been so anxious lately, and I can't talk to anyone about it. No one in my life seems to understand. I am scared of seeing him everywhere. I have seen him since the assault only a handful of times, even though he used to live right down the street from me. So I tell myself that the fear is irrational, but that doesn't make it much better. What if I see him at the community fireworks? What if he pops up at the grocery store? What if I see him at the State Fair in a month? Everybody goes there, he'll surely be there, somewhere. What if I run into him? Am I going to break down, confront him, or just walk away? Will I be able to be strong, like I was not before? So much anxiety. So much.
I tried calling the sexual assault hotline and I got a busy tone. I've only called it once before, about a year and a half ago, and that had offered me so much support that just having the number in my phone for these years has helped me cope. But not after last night. I called, and no one was available. They automatically refereed me to a local place (this hadn't happened before), one that I am not sure would be anonymous or confidential or what. For all I know it would be him on the other end of the line. This makes me feel like I've been thrown into the dusty abyss; shouldn't they have a clearer, safer way to communicate with survivors, people freaking out? Why was the line busy the night before 4th of July?
I tried calling my college's hotline after that. They tried to refer me to an "advocate". An annoyed sounding woman informed me that "this is the hotline for sexual assault, rape, and domestic abuse" after I said I needed some advice. The fuck you think I'm calling this hotline for? Help with the garden? I said thanks but no thanks and hung up. I don't need to steal anyone's time, not looking for legal help. I just need someone to talk to that understands what I am going through and can sympathize.
The one person that I want to confide in is my boyfriend. But our relationship has felt strange lately. I get migraines all the time during this time of year, and also I had a bad trip about a month ago. He's been there for that, and the other day he told me that it makes him feel scared and out of control. Which I understand. But I wish that he could just be there for me, be solid like a rock when I need him, but I guess people are not rocks. I don't know how he would react if I told him what I was going through right now, how terrible and scared I felt. He would either get upset or downplay it, depending on the situation I guess. I don't know what to do.
To add on top of all of this anxiety, this guy is dating a girl I know. A girl that is sweet and nice and that I would only wish positive things for. She (we'll call her C) is dating a rapist. I tried to tell her best friend, L (this was the first time I had publicly accused him in any way). That was the last time I talked to L or L's boyfriend, D, who used to be a good friend of mine. I don't know if they didn't believe me or what happened. I don't know if they ever passed the information on to C. But even if they did she didn't believe them, because she is still dating him.
I have blocked him on facebook, of course, so I haven't seen any evidence of him for awhile. Then the other day, out of nowhere, C liked my picture on facebook. I should block her too, I feel like, to keep any evidence of him away from me (self care). But at the same time I don't want to cut ties with her, even though I haven't talked to her for years, because she is a good person and I want to be able to help her if it comes down to it. Worst of all, I am scared that it wasn't her liking the facebook picture. That it was actually him, on her facebook. Because couples do that, you know? What if he saw my picture, thought about me? I fucking hope not. I fucking hope that he has forgotten about my existence and that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that ties me to him that is outside of my control. Not any more.
2 years ago on 4th of July he saw me with my boyfriend, texted me, and laughed. That night a close friend of mine was assaulted too, by him. I had been assaulted a week before. I didn't realize what had happened to me. In the darkness of the park, fireworks above, I didn't see him when he saw me. I couldn't anticipate him coming. This is terrifying to me. I am so anxious this week. I just want it to be over. I want to curl up in my bed and die, to be honest. Just stop existing and have some peace. But I keep going out, keep putting myself in harm's way. I've hardly ate or slept. I feel like I have absolutely nowhere to turn to.