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Posted by writer14 , 11 April 2014 · 162 views

I want to talk about something that has happened to me for the third or fourth time recently. I want to stand up for myself, even if it is too difficult to do it to this person's face. I am trying to acknowledge my feelings and stand up for them, but it is sometimes difficult in my circumstances. 
At this point I have one lady friend that I would consider "close", the kind you can call up anytime. I used to have many close friends, and I have posted about this before, but after the SA we all had a big falling out. Not because they reacted to the SA or anything, but more because reacted to the A. I pulled back a little bit, focused on myself. Not that I wasn't there at all, in fact I tried very hard to be there for all of my friends who were going through troubles as well. But they did not try for me. And eventually I just got tired; I gave up. I gave up on them and frankly I gave up on myself, too, for different reasons. Well I am trying to stop that now. I am trying to regain control over myself and my life, stop feeling guilty for everything, move forward and heal. 
It is difficult to do when the only (female) person in my life that I can consider a real friend, in close proximity, is an asshole to me. And I can't seem to stand up for myself. 
First of all, she is the type who will constantly throw around insults as if they are just jokes with friends. Like "hey ugly" or something like that. Well, I don't find that funny. I don't like it. I'm a big believer in the power of language, and honestly hearing that negative shit is just terrible when you are trying to fight back negative self talk every second of every day. 
Secondly, and what prompted me to write this, is that for some reason numerous times in our conversation my childhood has come up, and she has insinuated that I was a "bad kid". For example, yesterday we were talking about how kids are mean and she immediately said my name and looked at me accusingly. Well, this makes absolutely no sense. She did not know me up until 2 years ago. She has no idea what my childhood was like. She has heard maybe a handful of stories from me and likely from on of my (ex) friends. I would like to think that my (ex) friend did not say anything too negative about me, but I guess I should know better. Regardless, she should know better being my friend and, hopefully, thinking that I am a good person. 
The truth is that I was kind of mean as a child. Not that this has anything to do with her or should ever even be brought up in a conversation. And the even greater truth is that everyone was TERRIBLE to me. From my home life to my friends to teachers to everyone, I constantly felt like I was fighting against the world. That is why I developed a tough exterior which I still have to this day. I came from an immigrant family that was always trying to stay under the radar, and I had to deal with the culture shock and helping my parents yet never feeling protected by them. When I was in 4th grade all of my so-called-friends parents decided that I was a "bad influence" and said all sorts of terrible things about me and especially my parents, which my "friends" would then repeat back to me. I would come home crying but I have not till this day told my parents, partially because I did not want them to blame me as being a "bad kid" and partially because I was trying to protect them. They were always so nervous about what Americans thought of them, I couldn't bear to have their suspicions come true. So here I am, as a 10 year old kid, feeling like I need to protect both my parents and myself and feeling powerless against people that were supposed to care about me or at least be decent to me. The worst "bullying" I ever faced was from adults. But a lot of my friends weren't much better. This continued through my high school years. People have always said terrible things about me behind my back, have always been horrible to me. I chose to ignore it as best I could. A year ago I gave in and started believing all of the bad things I have heard throughout my life, started believing that maybe I was inherently "bad". You can see how this is especially hard for a survivor. I'm trying to reverse that now, work through it. But it's really hard when I have people, for no apparent reason at all, want to go against that. 
I want to scream. I want to protect and hold little me. I want to tell all the people who treated me like shit off, to make them know what they as adults did to a poor little girl. But I can't and I don't. I don't even stand up for myself in silly situations like this one. 
She has no right to judge me. She has no idea what I have been through. I am sick of being the "bad kid". I was never a bad kid, I was a great kid. I made the best of my shitty circumstances. I always strived to bring joy into people's lives by joking around. I always tried to befriend everyone, to organize everyone, to be a leader that brought people together. I got good grades and made my parents proud. I was always the one that introduced everyone, and I am sure that I have been responsible for more than a few great friendships, even if I couldn't do it for myself. Sometimes I was mean but hell, I was a KID! I need to move forward from feeling guilty about the things that I have done. They were not that terrible in the scheme of things, and I am sure that anyone else in my circumstances would have been the same way. 
It is not fair of anyone to call me a "bad kid". Not the adults of my childhood, not my friends now, not myself. I was a good kid, a great kid. I am still a good person. And I deserve to be treated as such. 

I am so sorry - I am hearing so much hurt in what you have said.  You are right, we all do stupid and cruel things when we are children because that's how children are - they are "selfish" about satisfying their needs unless they are successfully "socialised" by adults who are good role models.  Sometimes, children are even horrible BECAUSE of adults who, in their behaviour, model prejudice, malice, abuse etc.  Hopefully though, we learn a better way and can become kind and sensitive adults.  It sounds as if you have had to cope with adult friends who have some growing up still to do.  I don't know if it is possible for you to quietly let this friend know how her thoughtless remarks are hurtful to you, but it sounds as if now would be a good time to try and reach out in small ways to other people who can be more supportive of you.  Easier said than done, I know.


Take care :metoyou:

What I hear you saying is that you were Miss Fixit in your childhood.  Trying to protect and smooth things out for all those you care about yet putting yourself last.


I have been told by family and friends that I am a Miss Fixit, too nice or too much for doing the same thing.  They accuse me of letting people walk all over me and not standing up for myself.


This a truth for me but there is more to it than that.  As a survivor I know what pain is and understand how emotions can get the better of someone when they act out their emotions in very negative way sometimes in destructive ways.  If someone mistreats me I just walk away and make it very difficult if not impossible for them to reach me after that.  I just wash them out of my life without saying a work or expressing my feelings about what the problem was.  My family views this as a weakness.  I view it as self preservation.  I haven't found the middle ground yet.


I think you are beginning to see where your middle ground will be as you heal.  I believe when adults call other adults mean names or say mean things they really are calling themselves those names so it feels good to them to project those negative feelings onto others.  They are very insecure and do not make good friends.  They need healing from something.


I could never imagine you as a "bad child" cuz that is not who you are.


Take good care of you as always (((writer)))

Thank you for your support, Allegro and bellachai. 


I know that she is healing from a lot of pain, too, and is not necessarily in a good place herself. I guess that is something I am struggling with in my recovery - I often feel like I have "bad days", wish people would be give a pass then. But then I also think, other people must be feeling like that too. Where is the line between showing others the compassion I want to be shown to me, and letting others walk all over me?


I find that I am often attracted to people with issues, people such as myself, complicating the entire matter. I do not want to write these people off simply because of their problems (I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me!) but at the same time, it seems counterproductive to my healing. Trouble attracts trouble can be said. 

July 2016

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