At this point I have one lady friend that I would consider "close", the kind you can call up anytime. I used to have many close friends, and I have posted about this before, but after the SA we all had a big falling out. Not because they reacted to the SA or anything, but more because I reacted to the A. I pulled back a little bit, focused on myself. Not that I wasn't there at all, in fact I tried very hard to be there for all of my friends who were going through troubles as well. But they did not try for me. And eventually I just got tired; I gave up. I gave up on them and frankly I gave up on myself, too, for different reasons. Well I am trying to stop that now. I am trying to regain control over myself and my life, stop feeling guilty for everything, move forward and heal.
It is difficult to do when the only (female) person in my life that I can consider a real friend, in close proximity, is an asshole to me. And I can't seem to stand up for myself.
First of all, she is the type who will constantly throw around insults as if they are just jokes with friends. Like "hey ugly" or something like that. Well, I don't find that funny. I don't like it. I'm a big believer in the power of language, and honestly hearing that negative shit is just terrible when you are trying to fight back negative self talk every second of every day.
Secondly, and what prompted me to write this, is that for some reason numerous times in our conversation my childhood has come up, and she has insinuated that I was a "bad kid". For example, yesterday we were talking about how kids are mean and she immediately said my name and looked at me accusingly. Well, this makes absolutely no sense. She did not know me up until 2 years ago. She has no idea what my childhood was like. She has heard maybe a handful of stories from me and likely from on of my (ex) friends. I would like to think that my (ex) friend did not say anything too negative about me, but I guess I should know better. Regardless, she should know better being my friend and, hopefully, thinking that I am a good person.
The truth is that I was kind of mean as a child. Not that this has anything to do with her or should ever even be brought up in a conversation. And the even greater truth is that everyone was TERRIBLE to me. From my home life to my friends to teachers to everyone, I constantly felt like I was fighting against the world. That is why I developed a tough exterior which I still have to this day. I came from an immigrant family that was always trying to stay under the radar, and I had to deal with the culture shock and helping my parents yet never feeling protected by them. When I was in 4th grade all of my so-called-friends parents decided that I was a "bad influence" and said all sorts of terrible things about me and especially my parents, which my "friends" would then repeat back to me. I would come home crying but I have not till this day told my parents, partially because I did not want them to blame me as being a "bad kid" and partially because I was trying to protect them. They were always so nervous about what Americans thought of them, I couldn't bear to have their suspicions come true. So here I am, as a 10 year old kid, feeling like I need to protect both my parents and myself and feeling powerless against people that were supposed to care about me or at least be decent to me. The worst "bullying" I ever faced was from adults. But a lot of my friends weren't much better. This continued through my high school years. People have always said terrible things about me behind my back, have always been horrible to me. I chose to ignore it as best I could. A year ago I gave in and started believing all of the bad things I have heard throughout my life, started believing that maybe I was inherently "bad". You can see how this is especially hard for a survivor. I'm trying to reverse that now, work through it. But it's really hard when I have people, for no apparent reason at all, want to go against that.
I want to scream. I want to protect and hold little me. I want to tell all the people who treated me like shit off, to make them know what they as adults did to a poor little girl. But I can't and I don't. I don't even stand up for myself in silly situations like this one.
She has no right to judge me. She has no idea what I have been through. I am sick of being the "bad kid". I was never a bad kid, I was a great kid. I made the best of my shitty circumstances. I always strived to bring joy into people's lives by joking around. I always tried to befriend everyone, to organize everyone, to be a leader that brought people together. I got good grades and made my parents proud. I was always the one that introduced everyone, and I am sure that I have been responsible for more than a few great friendships, even if I couldn't do it for myself. Sometimes I was mean but hell, I was a KID! I need to move forward from feeling guilty about the things that I have done. They were not that terrible in the scheme of things, and I am sure that anyone else in my circumstances would have been the same way.
It is not fair of anyone to call me a "bad kid". Not the adults of my childhood, not my friends now, not myself. I was a good kid, a great kid. I am still a good person. And I deserve to be treated as such.