On a positive note, ramblings
1) I spoke out against the guy who assaulted me for the first time. Albeit it was not direct, this was a huge step for me. I still have not heard from his new girlfriend (the reason I spoke up about what happened)... but hopefully my words will help her in some way.
2) I've realized that the guilt I have been carrying around is worthless. I had stopped believing in myself, stopped deflecting all the negativity I have dealt with. Started to internalize the pain and to believe my critics. Started to be my own worst enemy. But this is pointless. It only brings me and everyone around me down. It is a dirty cycle in which I feel bad, so I make others feel bad, so I feel guilty and worse, etc. This needs to stop, and it will. It's going to take work but I'm willing to do that. I need to remember that I as a person am not bad. That I am good. That the way I act, the way I am, is good. That sometimes I make mistakes but I can apologize and move forward from them. That dwelling on them is useless and painful for everyone.
This understanding came from realizing that I have let myself fall victim to abusive relationships/friendships. That I have cared too much for people who care nothing about me, and blamed my self for their carelessness. But this is not my fault. Someone treating me badly, not giving me the time of day, is not my fault. I do not need to be in these destructive relationships. I do not need to punish myself for that. I do not need to feel guilty every time someone does not want to be around me.
The realization of how badly I've been letting myself be treated came from some things that happened this weekend. First of all, after #1 occurred, I contacted my friend that had also been assaulted. We have not spoken in a long time, although I have tried my best to reach out to her and give give give. I told her what had happened. She didn't even ask how I was doing, how I felt about it, if I was okay. I understand that she may have been shocked and surprised, but a followup text a few hours or even days later would have been enough. Something, anything, to acknowledge that this isn't easy for me, either. That I am a person, too. That she cares about my well-being. But no, nothing. Ironically she posted a post on her facebook page yesterday that said something along the lines of "I would stay up all night convincing someone I love out of suicide". That's bullshit. She doesn't even have time to send me a text asking me if I'm okay. Or, maybe I'm just not someone she loves or cares about. And I just need to move on from that. I need to move on from people who don't give two shits about me. I know that it was my fault that we were at the party that she got assaulted at, but I DIDN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN. I have spent years feeling guilty about it. I have taken her to therapy every week, insisted she get medical treatment, been there for her as much as I could. All that time I have ignored my own post SA suffering, and she has ignored it too. All that time no one has asked me how I am doing, what I might be going through. I have devoted all of my time to trying to erase the guilt I feel, trying to right my wrong. But maybe there wasn't any wrong. I thought it was just a party, I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. It was HIS fault that she was assaulted, he's the one that did it. And he assaulted me, too. He is the enemy, he is the problem, not me. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. And I'm a person. I deserve to be treated with respect, to be recognized. I deserve to get out of destructive relationships.
Another thing that happened this weekend: I was supposed to be the sober driver for a few of my friends for L's birthday. They said they were going to drink together first and then I would pick them up for a concert. That's kind of annoying in itself, that I wasn't invited to the pre-party. But then the concert plans got messed up, I sat around all day waiting, and they just texted me saying "we'll let you know what's going on later". Basically they were out without me, because they don't care about me, and would maybe possibly consider meeting up with me later. And these are supposed to be some of my closest friends. Well, I did something empowering, for me. Something I would have done before I let guilt take over my life. I just left. I called up another friend and I went out. I let them do whatever, didn't sit around waiting. I just left. That felt very empowering for me because it's like a big "fuck you, if you're going to be like this, I'm out". And I know that might sound selfish, but I think I have earned the right to be a little selfish. I have been feeling guilty and terrible and letting people walk all over me for so long, because I cared about them and I THOUGHT they cared about me. But no more. I am done. I am getting out of these destructive relationships. I am going to move on with myself, with my life.
3) On that note, I am changing my major. I have always had a passion for political science, and I think that that is what I am going to do. I'm not cut out for the business world, or, rather, the business world is not cut out for me. I want to do something that makes a difference, and something that makes me happy. Hopefully I can do that. Hopefully things work out.