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Guilt.

Posted by writer14 , 30 March 2014 · 128 views

I want to talk about feeling guilty all of the time, for everything. I want to figure out how I can deal with that, because it is ruining my life. This self-hatred is ruining my life. 
 
I didn't used to be like this. I didn't used to question my every action, every thought, every word. I didn't used to see every decision as having an "opportunity cost", and then guilt myself for the "high price I've paid". Self-care didn't used to be something I either a) forced or b) felt guilty about doing. I don't know how to fix this. 
 
Over the years I have lost so many friends. I don't have anyone, except for maybe my boyfriend, that I feel close with anymore. No one that I feel like is really on my side. I feel like my entire life is made up of either people I've left or people who have left me. I feel like so many people have hurt me in my life.. and yet I, too, have hurt many people. The pain that others have caused me makes me angry, defensive, but then then the pain I know I have caused makes me want to direct that anger at myself, which I do. It is counterproductive, I know, but I can't seem to stop. 
 
I'm not really sure what this blog post is supposed to be about. I just know that I'm sick of crying everyday, I'm sick of feeling sad all of the time. I'm sick of seeing no end to this, and I'm sick of feeling guilty for every single thing that I do. I need to fix this. I am so weak. 



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Anastasia190
Mar 30 2014 07:59 PM

writer14,

 

You just spoke my words. I know exactly how you feel...I don't know how to stop my guilt. It's just a non-stop thing that hits me hard when it wants to. I don't really have anyone either. My best friend walked away and now I am hanging around a bunch of people that I feel aren't my real friends, and that hurts the worst. I have had a lot of people hurt me in my life, but I blame that on myself too. It must have been something I did to cause them to walk away...I am sick of feeling upset all the time. It follows me everywhere. I am so quiet and shy. I barley ever talk to anyone at my school. I don't have much emotion. I feel like I can't feel anything. Most of the time that I want to cry, I can't, so I get angry and frustrated. I am so hurt, angry and confused, and your words have helped me. Thank you for speaking the words that I have trouble getting out. I felt like I was the only one feeling this way...I am sorry that you are struggling and I am really hoping that you can find some peace even for a bit each day. I know it's hard to take care of yourself. I haven't been taking care of myself at all lately...

 

Take gentle care of yourself

 

-Alexandra

Thank you for that, Alexandra. I hope that both of us can find some kind of peace eventually. Everything that you are saying, is also how I feel. 

 

Take gentle care of yourself, as well. 

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