I didn't used to be like this. I didn't used to question my every action, every thought, every word. I didn't used to see every decision as having an "opportunity cost", and then guilt myself for the "high price I've paid". Self-care didn't used to be something I either a) forced or b) felt guilty about doing. I don't know how to fix this.
Over the years I have lost so many friends. I don't have anyone, except for maybe my boyfriend, that I feel close with anymore. No one that I feel like is really on my side. I feel like my entire life is made up of either people I've left or people who have left me. I feel like so many people have hurt me in my life.. and yet I, too, have hurt many people. The pain that others have caused me makes me angry, defensive, but then then the pain I know I have caused makes me want to direct that anger at myself, which I do. It is counterproductive, I know, but I can't seem to stop.
I'm not really sure what this blog post is supposed to be about. I just know that I'm sick of crying everyday, I'm sick of feeling sad all of the time. I'm sick of seeing no end to this, and I'm sick of feeling guilty for every single thing that I do. I need to fix this. I am so weak.