When I protect myself in a traumatic situation
It's an automatic reaction that stems from my sexual violence history.
When I have an experience that the innermost parts of me recognizes as traumatic,
My mind, emotions, and spirit fight to protect me.
Just as they've always done from when I was a child.
They have become conditioned to protect me.
Each time, however, I've noticed a resistance.
A resistance from "adult me".
Trying to counteract, undo, fight, and stop the automatic reaction.
It's as if I don't want to be protected in that way anymore.
As if I want to find an alternative way to protect myself from these traumatic experiences.
The protection I formed for myself as a child to deal with the abuse, has now become a trigger.
It digs up what I thought I had buried.
I need to let myself penetrate my own defenses.
I need to get in there and make some changes.
In my protective mode, I dive into self-blame.
I start pointing the finger at me.
"I must have done something", I start to say to myself.
"Maybe I gave the wrong impression"
"I don't know what I did, but I must have done something bad".
Nothing could be more untrue.
But in the moment I believe it.
I have to. In order to survive.
I beat myself up.
I kick myself while I'm already down.
I use my own words to twist my own back and keep me bent, bowed over, and crippled.
Guilt and shame hold on to me closely.
Shamed to have been victimized.
To protect myself, I immediately dismiss, discount, and minimize the situation.
I don't allow myself to be present.
I don't allow myself to feel.
By doing so, I don't get the fullness of the tragic blows.
By doing so, I don't allow myself to experience the reality and truth if what happened.
This makes the load a little lighter.
It makes the situation manageable and easier to bear.
So even though it's blowing up in my face, I don't experience it's full impact.
The tragic blows that should be coming from the outside, comes from the inside instead.
Comes from my own hands, which I'd rather receive the beatings from.
I can temper the flames. I can control the deepness of the lashes.
I can pick and choose what I want to strip from me, to punish myself.
Punishing myself for something I didn't do.
Punishing myself for something that has nothing to do with me.
I'm not naive.
I'm not in denial.
It's because I see the tragic blows taking place that I run to protect myself.
With the horrifying sexual violence experiences I've undergone (sexual abuse, rape, etc.), I protect myself.
I recognize, but don't acknowledge it for the upsetting sexual nature that it is.
The situation is huge, but I shrink it down to a mustard seed. So it appears small to me.
The weight is heavy, but I make it feel light as a feather.
I don't think this helps me any, though.
I somehow feel that my protection I've become conditioned to, is no longer a good protection for me now.
It's working against my healing, my moving forward.
It might have worked for me back then when I was a child, but now as an adult, I need different defenses.
This is years and years of automatic reaction, protection, thinking and behavior patterns.
I am trying to tell myself that it won't just change overnight.
It will take time, but you can do it.
You're making progress and you're making a decision for yourself.
You're taking back power for yourself.
So the task is empowering.
It sucks sometimes that you're working on something, making efforts, making progress, and something comes along to try and destroy that and knock it down.
But that's how it is. That's the way of things. That's the kind of world we live in. Fallen a and broken.
These things will happen and when they do, tell yourself, "don't give up".
Don't let the devil keep you down.
Get up! Get back up! Get back up smiling! Get back on track. Refocus.
When life knocks you down, you got until the count of ten to get back up.
Get back in the ring and fight.
Don't let them get the reward that belongs to you.
It has your name on it.
TKO these traumatic experiences.
TKO these predators.
KNOCK THEM OUT!
KICK THEM OUT SO FAR, THAT THEY'LL NEED A MAP TO FIND THEIR WAY BACK.
GET EM OUT! SHOW THEM YOU ARE NOT AFRAID.
Yes, you may be working on some things,
No one is perfect.....but you got this.
YOU CAN DO IT! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
GO AND GET YOUR REWARD! YOUR BLESSING!
I'M NEVER GOING BACK!
IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT DIRECTION YOU TAKE, AS LONG AS YOU'RE MOVING FORWARD.
HOLOMUA (move forward)!!!!