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Nightmarish feelings

Posted by datweet , in My battles 04 May 2014 · 143 views

*trigger warning - some flashback details

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and am hit with flashbacks.

I wake up to a new day and find myself looking through the eyes of a child.
At times, I feel the striking blows of being thrown up against the wall, forcibly and painfully abused.
Other times, I feel their fingers running over me, their breath on me, their mouths.
I try to shut my eyes and make it go away. I whisper a cry for help to myself, "Go away". But they linger.
Sometimes I open my eyes and am looking into theirs. I see no remorse. They know what they're doing.
Sometimes I don't see them at all, but feel them. I feel my body being ravaged. Hoping it'll all be over soon.
It's especially those times when they've had their way with me and then discard me, like trash.
It's those times after their fun, their "fix", that they toss me aside and don't want me no more.
It's as if I'm a physical reminder of their selfish lustful desires and they can't stand the sight of me.
By doing this, they destroy my spirit, my value.

"Wounds heal and bruises fade! but with violence against the spirit! the pain is deep and long-lasting."
- T.D. Jakes


Each one, I can't do anything. I can't do anything to change it. Not at all. Not even a little bit.
What would I change? I was just a child.
What could I do? I didn't even know what it was called.
Would I really change anything? Not while I'm in it. By then, I had already given up.
I did the best that I could in the moment. I did my best given the circumstances.

Does it really get easier?....I have to believe that. I have to believe that it does. It does get better.
I guess like I've been hearing, and experienced some....."it gets worse before it gets better".....ok.

That was brave to share. I'm sorry you are still suffering now with flashbacks. Those are the worst. I still get them too. You are strong just for being here and you were a child there was nothing you could do. Ming
Thank you rhiley1. Yes, sometimes I don't recognize it and try not to let it bother me too much. But it happens and by sharing, I know it lightens things up. Thank you for recognizing bravery and strength in me.
I read this blog entry out loud to a couple of new girlfriends. First time for me. They both thought it was very brave and strong of me to share. I try.

July 2016

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