Fight to take the journey
Last night, I celebrated being eight days "self harm free". I found it difficult to celebrate the occasion with others. Even though I told them that we can do something to celebrate life. But they only laughed. I know that if I told them the real reason that they would celebrate with me, but the reason of the celebration might be a damper for them, and thus a damper for me. So I refrained from saying anymore and didn't mind celebrating on my own, in my own company. I treated myself and I liked it. It was a celebratory time for me and brought a smile to my face....a smile I haven't seen for a long time. Haven't felt for a long time. It was nice.
The past eight days have been taking the form of a numbing sensation. It's as if my attempt on my life placed every part of me so high on a peak that it has taken, and is still taking, me so long to climb down from that altitude. To recuperate. To recover. I felt like I was in limbo. Like I was distant. Like I was here But not here. I wasn't present. Almost similar to dissociation. Something I'm familiar with, but trying to part myself from. And at the same time trying to show self compassion, to take gentle care of myself, not blame myself, not take fault for the wrong and harm that was done to me, not to turn inward on myself, not to be self-destructive, not to assume responsibility, not to use my own words to twist my own back and leave me bent over and crippled.
You just feel like your sense of value has been stripped away. You just can't scream over that sort of thing. You can't climb over that kind of wall. It injures something about you that affects the way you relate with people for the rest of your life.
Today is day nine of being "self harm free" and I'm hoping that number will just continue to increase and multiply. I'm doing what I can to get the support I need to lessen, or even stop, the attempts to take my life. This is something I know I will have difficulty addressing, but I know I can do it. This is just one of those things that I don't like to look at. One of those things I don't like to deal with. But the best thing to do with these sort of things is to look at it dead on in the face and the knock 'em dead. And that's what I intend to do. I believe there is some kind of "need" there that attempting to take my life fulfills. I want to know what it is. I never had the courage to, but I feel a renewed strength. I am not looking forward to the journey, but I am looking forward to the reward.
If you are also in the same place that I am, be encouraged. We can do this. One step at a time. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. It doesn't matter what direction we take, as long as we are moving forward. We must take the journey. No one can take it for us. They can cheer us and encourage us, but we have to be the ones to place one foot in front of the other.
I have hope. It can be done. It will be done. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. Like my good friend proclaimed to me recently: GO WITH YOUR GUT!!!!
That's just what I intend to do. Won't you join me? Fight to take your journey. Nobody understands it better than you. There is hope. PRAISE JESUS!