time after time.
I wish I knew how to address this letter.
I wish I could just say your name.
Mostly, I wish I could just write "dear, friend."
We are no longer in that place.
Essentially, you have nothing to do with where I am today because that is what happens when love can just no longer handle the pain.
That is what happens when life determines that your love no longer matters.
That is what happens when love is young, makes mistakes, and "someday" never comes true.
I wish I knew how to just say it. I wish we could just share that moment with you, just one last time.
I wish I wasn't so ashamed to send this to you.
Since I don't know how to address this letter, we are no longer in that place, and my mind is absent for words on how to feel towards you, I guess I should just say what I do know.
Here it goes.
To my dearest, first:
So much time has passed and so many empty words have been spoken. Because we barely know each other now and our past only repeats itself through selfish "I have always loved you's" and "I'll love you until forever's;" I want to you to remain silent and just listen.
With our realities resting close to our hearts and our new lives still waiting at the end of this confession; I am confident this letter will only strengthen our lives and love. Love for our new lives.
I want to thank you.
Thank you for being my first.Thank you for holding my hand when the world said we were "wrong." Thank you for holding me up while I discovered life's cruelty. Thank you for showing me how special that love can be. Thank you for all of your kindness and sharing life's toughest and most poor decisions with me. Thank you for being a place of comfort after my world shattered. Thank you for understanding, even when I didn't. Thank you for our most beautiful of moments and our darkest of days. Thank you for being my most beautiful kept secret. Thank you for loving me when I hated myself. Thank you for sheltering me from the storm and offering beautiful memories instead of pain. Thank you for taking the leap with me. Thank you, for being my first love.
Our love seems so far away now and our hearts will never be in the same place as they once were, however; I still smile when I think of you. That young love was beautiful. We may have been cast as "sinful" and "an abomination;" but we were beautiful. Just beautiful.
So many words have been used as bombs; leaving shrapnel in our beaten and bruised hearts and time has taken its toll. After all these years, time has placed our love in the best place of them all: our first memories.
This is no longer about us, for we have our new and forever loves.
So, my dearest memory:
I want you to love her with all that you have offered me: your words of encouragement when she is battered and bruised, your heart when she needs you in her corner, your laughter when she needs to forget the world, your strength when she can no longer carry on, but most importantly: I want you to love her like she has always been your first.
Much love, my dearest first.