TW Realisations...I don't want to face this. Let me hide
I feel strange today, and have done the last few days. Almost not quite here, in myself, if that makes any sense at all. I am lost in my thoughts, there is no light at the end of my tunnel right now. Just seems like I am forever pushing myself forward and getting flung back by some invisible force...something blocking my way that I just can't get past.
Last few days I have had some strange realisations that have just made everything seem more real than they feel right now. The Bad Girl has made this stuff up, she knows she is making it up for attention, that she just wants to hurt people and its all not real, its all in her head....then realisations pop up and throws her back...makes her admit the truth even though she is trying so hard to hold it back, screaming, denying everything these realisations are proving to her is real.
Having sex with my partner Andy has always been painful and actually even with my ex - partners. My vagina has always been very tight. Not tight in a nice way either, really tight, and painful to even get a finger in sometimes...doesn't matter how aroused I am, it is ridiculously tight. I looked into this as it is starting to become a real problem, I found that I have the symptoms of something called 'Vaginisimus'. This is where the muscles in the vagina tense as soon as the vagina is penetrated. The cause of this is usually down to trauma, ie rape or extreme complications in childbirth. When I read this I tried to deny it, no I thought, its ok...then I felt a tear run down my cheek and the realisation hit me. Of course my vagina experienced trauma, the guy fisted me when I was 11 years old! Shit! I just admitted it...something I had been denying forever, repressing it and saying no, its all in my head, I made it up for attention, F***! I really did just admit to myself that he did that to me! It really did happen! I was in shock, I had been denying it for so long...I had almost believed the Bad Girl's lies.
I was thinking about this all day that day, then another memory hit me as I was walking through the supermarket. I had to go and pick up some tampons as I am due on this week grrrrrr! Then I remembered the first time I used a tampon. I remember inserting it and having a full blown panic attack. I was living with my ex partner at the time and his Mum thought I was being silly and I remember her laughing at me. I remember thinking what the hell! Why am I so scared? I had no idea, but now it all makes perfect sense...even though I didn't remember the event at the time, my body obviously did and caused me to severely panic. Shit!! Another realisation that points towards yes..it happened! Even now I struggle with tampons, getting them in, it can be very painful for me sometimes and extremely tight. I am sitting here typing this, still thinking, OMG, I don't believe it! I feel dazed and dizzy in a very weird way...almost like I want to pass out but I know I'm not going to.
These realisations have actually made me take a step back and think ok...can I really deny this anymore??? I feel I need to try and accept this actually happened to me, but it feels impossible to do. I don't want to, I feel sick to the stomach thinking about it...something I tried to pass off to myself as made up in my head is actually true. I can't deal with this right now. It's how I dealt with it, how I distanced myself from it, now I don't feel like I can do that anymore. I have to be honest with myself and I can't. I don't want to. The Little Girl is having a tantrum right now, shouting and screaming that she is not moving from her built up hiding place, she is happy where she is and she is not coming out. But she's not happy, I know that, why does she lie to herself? To make things easier? Well they are not easy...they are the hardest they have ever been, and she knows it, I know it. It's a pointless struggle.
This has got nothing to do with my rapes but actually my mental abuse from R. Andy and I were having a fun afternoon and ended up play- fighting. I accidently caught him with my nails on his face and drew blood. The shame and guilt I felt was unbearable...I immediately got up on my knees and put myself up against the wall and said 'spank me'. And it wasn't in a sexual term either as it sounds. I wasn't joking, I was being deadly serious...I wanted him to punish me for what I'd done, I was Bad and I deserved punishment. He couldn't believe what I was doing, he left the room to sort himself out as he was bleeding a little, I curled up in a ball and didn't speak for a while. I lay there in thought and was just crucifying myself with every thought that passed my mind. I came to the realisation that I wanted him to punish me, and when he didn't I felt like ... and this is going to sound sick and crazy...but I felt like I missed the abuse. I wanted him to make me feel bad, call me 'useless' make me feel like a nobody so it would make him feel better.
We spoke about it a few hours later, and he broke down a little. He said he couldn't believe that I thought he was going to punish me for an accident. I realised that those 6 years of mental abuse with R had shaped me. It had created the Bad Girl, the one that feels she is useless, ugly, will never amount to anything. Is only good for one thing. Again, another part of me that has been hidden away for a long time.
So much in my head right now, all so confusing and things I don't want to face. I can't face.