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Perfection and Punishment

Posted by HealingMe , in Not So Good Days 18 March 2014 · 84 views


my healing journey is long, same as yours, I have stuff to process, my child got to a stage today of thinking that when even the smallest things go wrong it's my/his fault, I must have been scared of being punished for stuff, even if I say one wrong word, or forget something, it's like everything had to be perfect, but perfection is something that is now, everything is perfectly acceptable, perfection comes when you feel good, things do not have to be perfect allow....... These words I write are to help me handle something in my mind that was a false belief, trying to make things perfect just sustains suffering by making us believe more that we are unworthy by even attempting to make things perfect... I learned this somewhere on the internet and will do a posting on perfection with this.... Allow and give up trying or even attempting to be perfect....

 

I just do not know sometimes and that's fine, I should accept that and allow give myself a wide area to play in and heal in, not this tightness of thinking it's one way of another, accept that many things has many ways... A journey has many ways not just one, it's getting there calmly and in comfort, it's just that I cant seem someday to find the comfortable route..... I don't know why as I wrote that I cried, I think due to a realization that it's true.

 

I have a tube journey tomorrow, I am anxious about this, it's all the people around me, I was a little scared of some of my family when I was small, I grew up got into fights and thought I was tough, now I know how fragile human life can be, I'm still trying to love and accept myself, find myself daily.

 

I think and understand that I used to try and make everything perfect just to get more love from my mum and dad, to be noticed as being good... again in doing that I think I was just re-enforcing the fact that I needed to be loved by them to be accepted as a person, well child then so I need to look into this some more as I think I can find myself some more freedom within myself if I undo this understanding.... The fact is I am me and if my parents did not notice me trying to be good allow that and let it go, parts of myself notice me, my family notice me, my pet's notice me, trying to make things perfect seems such a waste of energy.....

 

I also learned that it does not stop us making things better for ourselves but avoid attempting perfection while we are in healing or recovery allowing everything to be as it is and was and heal would be a better thing to do.

 

be nice to get some views on this.....

 

kindness and respect




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intrepidshe
Mar 18 2014 11:04 PM

This resonated for me very strongly: "A journey has many ways not just one, it's getting there calmly and in comfort, it's just that I cant seem someday to find the comfortable route."

 

I agree with you about perfection. It's exhausting to pursue and you can't get there. It feels better to me to focus on the journey, on what I am learning. I am coming to rather like the messiness, the imperfection of it.

 

HA. Don't remind me I said that on a day when I'm unhappy with myself for being such a mess.

Mess, Mess, Mess, :-) this is some days, well most days for me at this moment in time, I faced some thoughts that I used to run away from, felt just a little pain today and cried, feeling that I was not at my mothers side at all before she died... She was one of my abusers so why did I say sorry to her even though she cannot hear, is this compassion? is this how sweet and loving I am inside? no wonder I have problems with my anger then my child, Anger is your friend, allow it to be, do not make it my enemy...

 

Anyways. Big sigh breath, breath and say Thank you intrepidshe, thank you for being by my side, I felt flashes of desire today, only for about a second, sweet, I do not know if it was a flashback, triggered by me looking at a lady in a supermarket, but it was like I have missed out even on this feeling, the desire to be home, the desire to be with family, the desire to be free the desire just to be me....

 

confusion is not to be mixed up with being a mess :-)

 

you take care as I always attempt to take care.

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intrepidshe
Mar 19 2014 08:51 PM

"Confusion is not to be mixed up with being a mess."

 

Wow. I need to hear that! Thank you!

Sorry, it was meant to help, mess = confusion as to what to start on first..... put's it into a different context I hoped :-( sorry

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