I went on a path of meditation while on medication please, do not do it, I managed to completely shut myself off from the outside world where I fell prey to the wildest parts of the human imagination on a spiritual journey that brought me down to my child like presence now. I have many words and can walk the walk and talk the talk but without my feelings it's hard, I miss my feelings as I hide away for a while, abused by my mother who with her abuser her father (my grandfather) made short work of me in my years before I was 5 years old. My inner soldier broke down and hid under a gown of instinctual survival until my panic attacks started in 1985. I worked through and married, brought 3 children up and now it's my time but my time now is for me to heal. We are meant to learn something form our experiences I hope I can learn self forgiveness as all I can do is mainly guess around with who I really am, lonely, isolated, misunderstood, misguided, but hey it's not my fault! so why do we feel the way we do? I know I love myself deep down and that my wife and family care and love me, but it's only known as I cant feel but I suppose I can take rest in knowing at least.
I have made headway with sleep (oh twinge of worry) I sleep broken sleep but sleep which I thank myself deeply for treasured sleep. I attempt to remember my dreams and ask myself to wake me up if it's a nightmare so that I can record it and knowledge it as a nightmare. I'm like a father who is looking after a little lost sheep, ah now, I am reminded by him that he is getting stronger and not to call myself a sheep, I am stronger than that I get answered back, good, well done, so I apologize to my inner child. This is how I have to have conversations with myself, on paper or acting things out, shouting at an empty chair and some of the things that come out surprise me! then I have to work it all out, well I should just leave it be but 15 years an annalist I analyse me.... I have to allow and leave some of the analysis alone now, too much prodding and pocking around I now understand... So I ask myself of forgiveness of this, don't worry just allow the self analysis to disperse and disappear.
Some anger from my adult that's how can people do this to children and how comes children are so resilient and strong, after all I found out we felt those feelings once and as an adult we find it hard to release them.
I am working through things but so lost in trying to help and heal my feelings but slowing things down as my anxiousness to heal only hinders slow is more I find out.
At least my inner child had the strength to let me know what it is that bothered me for so long
Allow me to be brave for myself, at least allow me this, coupled with compassion that I know I have to build myself up to face my new journey and direction of change in my life.