I managed to suggest to OH that we cuddle. I didn't freak out. It was nice.
It took a lot of conscious effort to achieve that. It shouldn't.
It turned into sex, and I didn't dissociate
I couldn't ask him to use a condom AND stay present. Despite it being our only birth control, me being on meds and my having checked two days ago that he had packed them, he didn't use one.
I failed to ask.
I failed to take care of myself.
World feels weirdly detached, now.
I feel dirty and hateful.
I am so ashamed at my failure. I'm trying to be a grown up, to start dealing with everything on my own, and I've just done an epic fail on the thing that sent me to T in the first place.
I really want kids. Maybe this is a way to finally get over myself and the phobia. Maybe that's why I didn't try too hard to ask.
I still feel like shit. And given my OH knows this issue exists for me... I feel let down and alone. There is no help or assistance here for me.
I'm probably going to pull this soon, as I am sooooooo ashamed. OH is munching toast loudly. This is my world, and the cliff I seem to have willingly fallen off.