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Q's questing



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Better vs fixed

Posted by Qrious , 27 July 2014 · 89 views

:trigger: Sui, marital issues, rape


My husband said to me last night that he would give literally anything for me to be better.

He hasn't slept well the last three days. Weird timing, as I only decided Weds morning that I was staying with him. But I know he is very reactive to my behaviour - it was realising that his (sometimes very) controlling nature...


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And now to work

Posted by Qrious , 24 July 2014 · 88 views

I have a project plan for my life.

Is that weird?

Probably. But it's necessary.

It's evolved over the last couple of days, during which I decided to cancel next week's session for a good reason - yes, the trauma therapy is vital, but my life can't be what happens in that room. It can't be just what happens outside. It has to be both.

It has to be both...


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Tough T tiredness

Posted by Qrious , 22 July 2014 · 82 views

:trigger: sui, panic, stress


So.

In a strange place at the mo. As T put it, 'an unexpectedly tough session'. Not much we didn't touch on. I got through my list of needs (safe place, to add talking about boundaries onto our list for the final six sessions), and even managed to bring up my mother (got my sis to text me happy birthday today. The day afte...


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Three legged stool

Posted by Qrious , 21 July 2014 · 75 views

Not to say that it's been all gloom on Planet Q at the moment. I think there are the dawnings of sensible (maybe?) next steps...

So this is what I want to say in T later today:

1. This trauma therapy - tackling the past's current effects on my life - is good. But it is only one leg on the three legged stool I see getting me where I need to be. The other...


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The V word

Posted by Qrious , 21 July 2014 · 78 views

Today is my birthday. I have:

- had a nice lunch (alone)
- had a great workout
- eaten too much (or almost enough, depending on whether you're me or an outside observer)
- had a great swim
- had my first ever back massage (scary how low down, well, my bottom she got. Hmmm.... But tolerable. Almost nice (?))
- admitted to myself that I can't get the traum...


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On a scale of one to ten, oh, about a million

Posted by Qrious , 17 July 2014 · 103 views

I did something really dumb today. Stupid x 1 million.

I tried on the clothes I was wearing the first time I was raped.

At no point in the last oh, sixteen years would I have been able to get into the outfit I wore nineteen years ago (plus about three weeks). But it turns out I didn't just repress the memories, I left the clothes folded neatly in a bag...


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Confession

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 15 July 2014 · 88 views

:trigger: negativity

I am an unbeliever.

I do not see a happy place over the horizon that I'm toiling toward.

As of yesterday, I don't really believe in the rapes - I've managed to cycle round to denial and detachment right in the middle of trauma therapy.

I do not believe in the future when all I see is yet more trying to fix everything myself becau...


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Ripples

Posted by Qrious , 13 July 2014 · 117 views

:trigger: drinking, sex, ED

Last night, we went to the local charity BBQ and met more of the neighbours. To put my behaviour in context, last yr's affair went on till 6am, and the neighbours we've already met - well, they don't remember much, even though they took over the singing at one point...

So, last night I:

- spent hours on the dance floor
- dra...


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Fighting for me

Posted by Qrious , 11 July 2014 · 126 views

:trigger: rape, mum issues, ED, SU (but positive, honest!)


I just realised something major. I am really, truly showing up and fighting for me.

It's snuck up on me by accident, but there's evidence all around.

1. Mum
I was woken by a call from her on Sat. It jettisoned me into a tailspin, such that I wondered idly if I should tell my relatives (not 'lo...


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Fault lines

Posted by Qrious , 09 July 2014 · 117 views

*tw* rape


I had a horrid session in T yesterday.

It was never going to be easy. I had tackled the habituation exercise from the attempted rape head on and faced down those fears, but it threw up other issues. One, I remember a lot of detail about that. I remember fighting hard for me, and it working - I suspect neither of those things are true about t...






July 2014

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