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Q's questing



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Needy baby, greedy baby

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 30 June 2014 · 141 views

*tw* sui

Find myself shocked at my own neediness tonight. Frightened out of my wits at beginning trauma work proper tomorrow; 80% success rate is not bad, but somehow the risk I associate with actually giving definition to what happened to me.... I realise I've never written my story. Speaking it, well, not sure I have the words.

So, so, so exposing. I'...


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Rebuild

Posted by Qrious , 29 June 2014 · 106 views

*tw* honesty, randomness, bits of everything


It finally dawned on me today, exactly what I am doing for me...

I am learning to view the world in a more balanced way, to remove all filters and call a spade a spade, even when that involves acknowledging having been let down at times
I am learning to listen to myself and recognise hurt - a truly profound...


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And then the ground tips away...

Posted by Qrious , 28 June 2014 · 131 views

To be clear, my chin is still up. It is. Honest.

But.... Courage is great, but the demand for it seems never ending. I was actually thinking last night of building a fake website for PTSD, with a message along the lines of, 'it's totally fixable, you recover fully, it takes just a few weeks, it's all fine.'

Because it's ok. I'm in, I'm doing the work, I...


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I can't hear you!

Posted by Qrious , 26 June 2014 · 148 views

I cannot hear me. It is weird, it is wacky, it is hard and it is dangerous.

I told my T this week that I'd had a shock on Thurs. I've already shared with him how I had begun to reevaluate times when people around me have muttered in concern, how in my childhood, there may have been things going awry and it was silly of me to discount them. But this week...


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Balance

Posted by Qrious , 24 June 2014 · 180 views

*tw* rape, ED

I managed to tell my T at the end of the session today that I felt like crying. The sentence sat in my head for a while before I managed to say it, softly and with eye contact.

He held my gaze and said, 'I'm not surprised'.

I hate how much I am telling this stranger. How I am actively changing myself, forcefully at tines, and in order to...


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Helpful reminder

Posted by Qrious , 24 June 2014 · 140 views

Oh the joy of pre-T tension. 20 mins on the rowing machine did not cut it, but at least my body is less jittery now - still recovering from the flu, so I'm quick to tiredness at the mo.

Anyway. Been a weird week since starting T 'properly'. Last week's session (the first since the storm hit, T called us 'stuck' and suggested stopping and I... unwound rap...


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Midlife

Posted by Qrious , 23 June 2014 · 106 views

The third of a 'life' themed run, and this one feels hopeful.

I actually wrote 'half-life' yesterday when feeling really sad and raw, and didn't want to post it on a weekend. Those feelings still linger, but today seems different; I'm not sure the positivity will last, but while it does, here is the logic palace I've built for it.

I was reading yesterda...


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Half-life

Posted by Qrious , 23 June 2014 · 119 views

*tw* ED, Sui

Last time I mentioned my depressed mother-in-law two weeks ago, my T cut me off. He sees her as a distraction; I think he also doubts the wisdom of my supporting her (though she chose me, for various reasons). He shouldn't have - the argument we had afterwards when my husband criticised the way I spoke to her (mentioning my own depression to...


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Life today

Posted by Qrious , 21 June 2014 · 114 views

*tw* ED, SUI, relationship issues


Things are getting worse between my husband and me. I find I barely open my mouth in the house. He says I am angry all the time. I realise I'm dissociating to get through sex. He criticises my conversations with his mother, our new gardener, his colleagues. I have quit asking for a day a week of no stressors. He points...


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Forgetting the sex

Posted by Qrious , in Uncategorized, Pregnancy 20 June 2014 · 208 views

*tw* sex, dissociation, pregnancy, maybe ED


My period thought about putting in an appearance three days ago, then changed its mind.

In my experience, this means pregnancy.

But we were careful. Always. I thought. Till I tried to remember sex with my OH over the last month and... Nothing. Know that it happened. But actual episodes?

Can remember every r...






June 2014

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