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Welcome to my horror

Posted by LindaLou , 17 February 2014 · 103 views

Just joined Pandora's today and am feeling a little insecure about it.  Around 2:00 this morning I ran across the website and found it interesting, so this afternoon I decided to give it a try. 
 
At the age of six I was raped by three men; all of whom were family members.  I ran away from home at the age of twenty-seven (moved from Wisconsin to Texas) and have divorced myself from my VERY dysfunctional family, but I do have my husband and AA to talk to.  However, I'm sure my husband would like a break from it all, especially since he has lived through six months of nightmares as I relived each rape, and months of ranting and raving about my family.  At AA I still haven't trusted anyone enough yet to open up and let them in; it's that abandonment issue we get from being betrayed by the people we love and admire. 
 
Sometime it feels like no one understands, and it would be nice to have someone to share my thoughts and fears with; who is detached from my life so I can get a unbiased perspective of the issues.
 
I have been to therapy for the past three years and have been able to reach down deep inside me and pull out those memories and fears, the anger and the disappointments.  Some nights I lay in bed tossing and turning trying to get the  thoughts from my head so I can sleep, but morning comes too soon and I spend the next day depressed and weepy.
 
I am looking forward to reading what others have taken the time to write, what others have experienced, and what others have done to cope with life on life's terms.
 
Good night for now, and may God bless and keep you safe.



Hi Lindalou,

 

Welcome to Pandy's!  You have found a wonderful site which has some really amazing people on it who would be more than willing to listen!  

 

I am so sorry you were raped as a tiny girl!  The mind boggles sometimes at such cruelty that family members inflict on innocent and defenseless children.

 

I don't blame you for separating yourself from your family.  You had to do what was necessary for you to survive.  I have done the same thing.  I understand your statement about your husband wanting a break from it all!  I too feel guilty when I go through a down period and know I am affecting my partner.  It is so hard sometimes!  I know when I am teary and reacting badly to triggers, my partner is the one who cops the fallout!  Aaaarghhh!  Poor guy, but unfortunately it comes with the territory!  I think sometimes we need to think too, that if they were the ones going through the trauma, wouldn't we be there for them?  Hopefully!  :)  The other thing I try to remember (but frequently forget and then blame myself) is the fact that you and I did not cause any of this!  CSA is a terrible trauma that affects you down to your core.  We are just trying to deal with the abuse inflicted by others.  Damn...it is hard though!! 

 

Yes, it is hard to open up to people and try to trust.  (like the people you are seeing at AA)  Of course, you are going to have trust issues.  You were betrayed by your family at a very young age and that naturally instills a distrust towards people in general. Look at the example you were given!!   If you cannot trust your family....it goes to reason that one finds it hard to trust strangers or new friends too!  All I can suggest is to give it time with the people at AA and see how you feel further down the track.  Maybe one day, you might feel a bit more comfortable in opening up a little bit.  

 

Yes, sleep can sometimes be elusive!!  I used to be a good sleeper before I started to address this CSA.  Like you, I toss and turn with thoughts that don't seem to want to turn off!  But, sleep is so important for physical and emotional health!  Hey, isn't sleep deprivation a certified form of torture!  lol  I occasionally use sleeping tablets if I have a bad run of days.  

 

It is great that you are in therapy trying to address the abuse!  We all need help to get through this trauma and I hope it helps you in some ways.  I know there is no easy answer to getting through all this, but we all keep trying!  :)

 

Kind thoughts for you LL

 

Tina  

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blondie2002
Feb 18 2014 03:26 AM
True. *sitting with you*

Welcome to Pandy's LindaLou.  You will find lots of understanding here. No judgement and all the hugs you want....if you want. Working through all of this stinks bad but.....Pandy's and the folks here to help ease it.

I empathize with you, I too was abused at 6 by people i knew, neighbors.  I too am a recovering alcoholic and i think we all have trust issues!  Even those who have not been abused, although abuse complicates things on a higher plane.  If i can be of any support to you please feel free to contact me, i am learning each day to become a better listener.  I have posted a few poems on my blog that you may connect with if you wish to check them out.  I am an insomniac most of the time as well and often am up late trying to quiet my mind with creativity!

vettech,

 

I would like very much to have a fellow AAer to talk to.  We can share in meetings, but often it is difficult to open up.  Often times my group talks about recovery never about their backgrounds; guess they share with their sponsors.  I am still so new to AA and don't know all the ins and outs.  Also, I am not sure this is getting to you or being posted on general population because this is only my third day with this website.  Any advice on how to use this to it's full potential will also be welcomed. 

 

Sorry you can't sleep nights; I know what it feels like to have thoughts running through my head that I can't seem to shut off.  And before you know it, morning has come and time to start the day no mater how tired you are.  But I must add that counseling  has helped a lot.  The nights I struggle with seem to be further apart than they were, especially now since I have sobered up.

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.