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Mand's Blog



Posted by Mand , 27 December 2014 · 196 views

Anger. I sent this email to my T just before Christmas:

Hi T,

This will be the last one I believe (side note- uh-uh. I have sent several more since this one!). I shall endeavour to now manage the rest of the Christmas and new year period with the supports I have here. But there was one thing I was pondering.

I felt better after sending you the last em...


To much time to think about therapy.

Posted by Mand , 26 December 2014 · 262 views

I have managed Christmas so much better than I thought I would. I have actually enjoyed myself. I have managed my triggers well, asserted myself and deflected conversations that might have been dangerous for me. But I have missed my T. I have missed her so very much. A fellow friend on here has had to say goodbye to their T, and I have been unable to supp...


I had no choice TW CSA

Posted by Mand , 21 December 2014 · 246 views

Powerful words. I. Had. No. Choice.

To survive, to grow, to feel love. I turned to him. But what he did? I. Had. No. Choice. I was a baby. A toddler. A young child. A teen.

All resistance groomed out of me. All choice removed.

Now I have a choice. It hurts to remember. It hurts to be kind to myself. But I choose kindness and I choose life. Because I...


Thank you The Samaritans *TW* CSA

Posted by Mand , 05 December 2014 · 275 views

I've had a triggering week. A situation in work involving a potential child protection issue. My T cancelling my session as she was ill- at the same time as me cancelling her as I- too am ill. (The weirdest 'crossed text' exchange I think either of us has ever experienced!)

Sadly this means I will only see her once for the whole of December. Once. When I...


The confusion of being well groomed by a gentle abuser *TW* CSA, Edited to add sad realisation

Posted by Mand , 30 November 2014 · 353 views

A gentle plea. If you can. Please acknowledge if you've read this. If you can't - I understand. It's not pleasant. I have left this up for a few hours and been feeling very vulnerable. I'm not sure if I can leave it up. But I will try.

I had a tough session with my T. Good, but tough, because of some of the memories it has unleashed. I sent this to my T...


Serious CSA trigger warning

Posted by Mand , 28 November 2014 · 267 views

The other night, Channel 4 in the UK showed a program called "The Paedophile next door". I discussed it with my DH. He said he would set it to record as I had asked him to, but he didn't think I should watch it. But I wanted to. Because in the blurb, it said that they interviewed a man who admitted being sexually attracted to young girls. And in my attemp...


Victim- why do I shudder so at that word...?

Posted by Mand , 26 November 2014 · 278 views

Today, I had a realisation. I was so busy supporting a friend, telling them what my T had said, I totally didn't realise what a hypocrite I was being.

Like many people - I detest the word 'victim'. When my T first said to me "Mand, your were a victim of child abuse", I replied angrily (which is a small frown and a little trace of annoyance in my voice)...


A tenuous thread *TW* CSA description

Posted by Mand , 22 November 2014 · 186 views

It is not often that I feel compelled to blog when I'm out. But today, as I was food shopping and my anxiety was building, I was trying to figure out why today, I am struggling, when yesterday, I was fine. There is a tenuous thread, a feeling niggling in my mind.

It's to do with what my T said. About my sense of self worth as a child being falsely assoc...


Tonight's therapy. The home straight maybe....? *TW* CSA, SH

Posted by Mand , 20 November 2014 · 188 views

Oh, my T, she is so lovely and sweet. She obviously noticed the SH marks up my arm tonight, so discussed me taking my anger out on myself, and how I can utilise professional Mand to help me be objective and kinder to personal Mand. I told her I felt that professional Mand was an unfeeling robot. She then (sneaky moo that she is!) got me to discuss how I f...


When erotic transference rears its head again *TW* sexual talk and CSA mention

Posted by Mand , 19 November 2014 · 258 views

I have had an 'interesting' time this week. I had a crisis of sexual identity after sending the email to my T on Sunday. Luckily, a very lovely friend on here responded to my distressed email in a wonderfully non-judgmental way, with a very sensible suggestion that helped pull me out of my panic.

I have documented the issues I have had with erotic tran...

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