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Mand's Blog



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And so the anger rises *TW* sex

Posted by Mand , 24 October 2014 · 103 views

The homework my T gave me runs thus:

No alcohol

1week naked, talking, NO TOUCH
Next week - non sexual touch(still naked)
Next week- sexual touch (minor zones)
Next week - heavy sexual touch (masturbation) if a struggle go back a week
Next week - oral sex? Not penetrative
Final week- so long as no struggles SEX!

I wrote this out as she told it to me,...


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Wrestling with faith *TW* CSA

Posted by Mand , 21 October 2014 · 50 views

Today was a tough day. I've been good. I've managed triggers, I've used my tapping mantra when I've felt darkness threaten. I had arranged on Sunday that this evening I was going to spend an hour with my Pastor. Like many on here, I have struggled with my faith, my belief in God, throughout my life. Yet I recognise it has also sustained me and kept me her...


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Exploiting the loopholes *TW* Sui, CSA (and probably swearing and maybe SH too)

Posted by Mand , 16 October 2014 · 117 views

I had decided tonight that my priority with my T was my suicidal tendencies. Every week when I turn up I have a short questionnaire to fill in. One of the statements on the Likert scale reads: "I have made plans to end my life". I have only said this has happened once. She asked me to talk about my plans, I did, and she planted the seeds I talked about i...


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The Child with my birth name *TW* CSA Sui SH

Posted by Mand , 15 October 2014 · 77 views

The child with my birth name has been in the front of my mind today. She's a sassy thing. I have travelled with her, I have BEEN her on my healing journey, she flits in and out of me. She's the one bit of me that isn't quite securely integrated. I can look back to when she was The Silent One, who terrified me so much. She dominated my mind at one point. S...


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Poem of hope and love for my T

Posted by Mand , 11 October 2014 · 53 views

What are you?
Who are you?
Really?
You have taken this frightened child,
This fragile being,
And you have held her tight for me.
You have nurtured and loved her,
And now,
Now,
You are starting to hand her back to me.

This fills me with.....
This fills me with terror,
This fills me with joy,
This fills me with hope.

You have been an angel.
To me,
You...


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Todays T. *TW* CSA, Rape,Swearing

Posted by Mand , 09 October 2014 · 96 views

What a day. The weather here has been really bad, so my T texted me and asked if I still wanted to come, that she would understand if I didn't want to as the roads were so bad. I replied that come hell or high water, I was determined to see her because I was damned if I was going to let the shit weather or my own irrational fear/jealousy keep me away. She...


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*TW* Swearing. Transference issues in therapy. Again.

Posted by Mand , 07 October 2014 · 84 views

I never would have said I was a jealous person. It just is NOT me. I don't get jealous in the same way I don't get angry. Since I have integrated my children so well, I definitely now recognise and feel anger. I am learning to express it safely. Safe for me and safe for others.

The realisation that I am jealous of my therapists other clients has come as...


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My story, part 3 MASSIVE *TW* graphic CSA, swearing

Posted by Mand , 04 October 2014 · 82 views

Ok. I feel things are actually leaping along today. This earlier part of my story relates to my older memories of my CSA. It's interesting how I appear to be processing backwards. This part of my story is a copy of my email that I sent to my T, then a text I sent her tonight. I would ask you, if you are vulnerable to triggering, to be careful. Don't read...


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Whose feelings are these anyway? *TW* CSA (mild)

Posted by Mand , 04 October 2014 · 81 views

My last T session, on Thursday, has left me.....not feeling. Not really. I started to close the door a few weeks ago - I can see that now. I wonder if now, I have slammed it completely shut. I sent my T the following text yesterday.
 
"Hi T,
 
I have a request. I am finding seeing you on Thursday too exhausting. Work is so very busy. Yesterday I...


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My Story Part 2 *TW* rape etc. Seriously, don't read if vulnerable

Posted by Mand , in My Story 28 September 2014 · 140 views

OK, I managed to leave the last one up. This is making me feel very vulnerable. I will try and leave this one up too.
 
A friend warned me that when I started exploring the real detail, I would find that more memories crop up. Details I had hither too forgotten. With my wonderfully rose tinted view on the world, I was sure that this wouldn't apply to...






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