Jump to content


My house of Mand's *TW* CSA

Posted by Mand , 04 July 2014 · 181 views

And so, in my house of Mand's.......the child with my birth name is sat on the stairs. She has unlocked the attic room door and is sat a few steps down, hugging her knees, the faintest glimmer of hope in her eyes.

I made a promise to a friend on here. I promised I would stop using the derogatory moniker for the child who bears my birth name. This friend has said she feels an affinity to her. That she would be there for her. I will refer to the child as M from now on. She is not The Whore Child any more.

M is skittish. She is strong and weak, angry and calm, intelligent and confused. She is angry because I have shut her away for so long. She is strong - so strong. Strong enough to write and draw and leave ME with no memory of her presence. She can push me out. She protects me from harm. The little girl who suffered the worst sexual abuses protects me, the 40 year old woman. And I am humbled by this. And grateful and so very very proud of her.

She needs to be integrated. I am ready to integrate. But interestingly she is the one who is resisting. I wonder if she is punishing me. Because for so long, the way I have treated her must have felt like the most awful punishment. The torment she has lived with quite takes my breath away.

On the positive side - she does talk to me now. She wants to help. She wants to be helped. But the fear and uncertainty that floods me every week before T definitely stems from her. She so badly wants to talk to my T now. And she is still so very frightened. She was angry at my T on Thursday. I remember tasting her anger in my mouth. But I could not tell you what made her angry. Because I don't remember.

How do I give her my voice? My T- if she thinks she is talking- stops her and pulls me back in. And when she does that, M retreats and refuses to co-operate. I NEED to communicate this to my T. I think I tried last week- I can't remember. Printing this off is not an option. I must TALK to my T. It is the only thing she will accept. But I don't know what to say.

M remembers such horrid things. She gave me a memory the other day. Released it during intimacy with my DH. (Now deleted it. Can't believe I typed it out. Sorry if anyone read it. It was pretty horrid for an 8 yr old. It doesn't need to be public. I shouldn't have put it here.)

And my DH wonders why I struggle when he smells of beer. Why I can't bear for him to touch me or try anything sexual. The smell is so very triggering. The sensation most unpleasant.

And this is an easy memory she tells me. This was a 'taster' to see how I'd cope. And it nearly destroyed me. If it weren't for my sentinels, my DH, my T........

This is hard. Remembering and integration is hard. But M is amazing and deserves recognition and love. And I am ready to give it to her. She just has to be ready to receive it.

When the time is right it will happen.

Jul 04 2014 07:54 PM

I'm glad you decided to chose another name to refer to her.  She is an amazing and strong and wonderful part of you, and deserves kindness and respect just as you do.


Sending good thoughts for all of you.  :metoyou:

Mand this is such wonderful, beautiful progress! I am so happy you are moving forward so lovely. I know it's hard and long, tiring work to integrate your children. It is painful to deal with the memories they hold, but it is so worth it. Sitting with you and giving lots if safe, warm, supportive hugs. :)
Thanks all :)
Jul 05 2014 02:30 AM

M is your light Mand. She has done her job so well. She is not only strong, but intelligent. I'll bet she's delightful too. She needs you to be her voice. I hope you can find a way to make that happen. Maybe ask your T how to be her voice?

Yes. I think I need to just tell my T. That to integrate her, she needs to talk to her. She seems to be saying to me "If you let me talk to your T, I'll allow you to integrate me". She is that strong that I can't bring her properly into me by my will alone. She needs to cooperate with me. I have integrated all my others. But she......wow......she is strong.

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.