My house of Mand's *TW* CSA
I made a promise to a friend on here. I promised I would stop using the derogatory moniker for the child who bears my birth name. This friend has said she feels an affinity to her. That she would be there for her. I will refer to the child as M from now on. She is not The Whore Child any more.
M is skittish. She is strong and weak, angry and calm, intelligent and confused. She is angry because I have shut her away for so long. She is strong - so strong. Strong enough to write and draw and leave ME with no memory of her presence. She can push me out. She protects me from harm. The little girl who suffered the worst sexual abuses protects me, the 40 year old woman. And I am humbled by this. And grateful and so very very proud of her.
She needs to be integrated. I am ready to integrate. But interestingly she is the one who is resisting. I wonder if she is punishing me. Because for so long, the way I have treated her must have felt like the most awful punishment. The torment she has lived with quite takes my breath away.
On the positive side - she does talk to me now. She wants to help. She wants to be helped. But the fear and uncertainty that floods me every week before T definitely stems from her. She so badly wants to talk to my T now. And she is still so very frightened. She was angry at my T on Thursday. I remember tasting her anger in my mouth. But I could not tell you what made her angry. Because I don't remember.
How do I give her my voice? My T- if she thinks she is talking- stops her and pulls me back in. And when she does that, M retreats and refuses to co-operate. I NEED to communicate this to my T. I think I tried last week- I can't remember. Printing this off is not an option. I must TALK to my T. It is the only thing she will accept. But I don't know what to say.
M remembers such horrid things. She gave me a memory the other day. Released it during intimacy with my DH. (Now deleted it. Can't believe I typed it out. Sorry if anyone read it. It was pretty horrid for an 8 yr old. It doesn't need to be public. I shouldn't have put it here.)
And my DH wonders why I struggle when he smells of beer. Why I can't bear for him to touch me or try anything sexual. The smell is so very triggering. The sensation most unpleasant.
And this is an easy memory she tells me. This was a 'taster' to see how I'd cope. And it nearly destroyed me. If it weren't for my sentinels, my DH, my T........
This is hard. Remembering and integration is hard. But M is amazing and deserves recognition and love. And I am ready to give it to her. She just has to be ready to receive it.