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Conversations with my Whore Child. *TW* CSA, swearing

Posted by Mand , 02 July 2014 · 191 views

I have emailed my T and asked her to pull out my art work for discussion tomorrow. I have been fine, then out of nowhere it seems, I felt an overwhelming fear and anger and hatred and a stubborn feeling of "I am not going to T tomorrow. She can fuck off". So, I decided to go out on my bike - after work and before the theatre tonight - to explore my internal landscape.

I found myself talking to the child with my birth name. Oh, she is strong. And she is angry and hurt and afraid. She HATES my T. She has been locked up in The attic room for so long. She doesn't trust my T. She tells me this is because my T doesn't care about her. My T has stopped her talking in the past. Has insisted on only talking to ME. So she has blocked my memories. SHE has stopped my processing and healing. Because she is so very angry with ME for making her carry all the abuse. For rejecting her and leaving her locked in the attic room with the memories of HIM.

So I have apologised to her (she does not yet accept). I have said to her, when the art work is out tomorrow, she must allow me to access her memories and emotions. She is skeptical. She thinks I am weak and pathetic and couldn't cope. She tells me SHE wants to speak. She won't allow anything out unless I let her talk to T. I am negotiating with her. My T probably won't allow her to speak. I don't know. I don't know what to tell my T. I don't want to sound completely nuts, but this whole fucking thing is nuts. What do I do? I need to access her feelings, thoughts and memories to heal. I have said to her, if she speaks, then the WE must become I. She gets accepted into me. As part of the whole person that is ME.

She is a tough one to integrate. She is very stroppy, rude, stubborn, angry, fearful. SHE does not trust T. Not like I do. I need her to realise that it was not her fault. That I am sorry she was hurt. That I love her as part of me.

No wonder she is scared. She is worried that she will stop existing. I need to let her know that she will be more real. She will be allowed to grow up.

Poor little Whore Child. So very sad and hurt and alone. I love you Hun. You will be ok tomorrow.

I am sorry she is so hurt and angry. 

Poor little stroppy one. I think she sounds love-able, and it is wonderful to see you feeling that, too. The ultimate in kindness, becoming one with her and taking her to your T. I hope she starts to see that soon. (((((All of you)))))

I can understand her wanting to be acknowledged by your T. To be able to have her voice there. To speak her truth. I wish your T would allow that. I have found with my parts it is so incredibly healing. I think though that she will make it even if she cannot have that. It may be bumpier or a bit slower but in the end it is you she needs to have hear her the most. I know from experience that if a T does not accept any part of me then she rejects the whole because when all is said and done, we are one. I hope she can find enough trust to let you do the talking if your T will not accept her there.

Jul 02 2014 02:50 PM

:hug: (safe and gentle if ok)

Mand - does your T not let the other parts of you have a voice? I really agree with Lolli about this and feel quit. Every part of you is you - plain and simple - I just have a hard time believing we can accept all parts of ourselves if we have not begun to hear from and understand all parts of ourselves (whether we are DID or not) and if those parts are not allowed to speak out in a safe environment. Therapy is where that all starts as part of the process. I do not believe integration happens first - but those are just my beliefs and I certainly do not want to push them on anyone.


Can you discuss this as part of the process with your T - because according to your other posts, she does sound very willing to address some pretty scary and difficult issues

Yes, it's something I am hoping to tackle tomorrow with her. I've outlined it in today's blog and I think, made it very clear to her that M (as I believe I should not use the moniker Whore Child any more as she finds it so hurtful) needs her voice.

I will no doubt blog about how it goes. It never goes how I think it will- I know that for sure!

I agree that integration happens with acknowledgement and acceptance. M is the only part of me that is still very distinctly seperate. We will get there though, me and her, she has come out of the shadows a lot since I started calling her by my birth name.

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