Conversations with my Whore Child. *TW* CSA, swearing
I found myself talking to the child with my birth name. Oh, she is strong. And she is angry and hurt and afraid. She HATES my T. She has been locked up in The attic room for so long. She doesn't trust my T. She tells me this is because my T doesn't care about her. My T has stopped her talking in the past. Has insisted on only talking to ME. So she has blocked my memories. SHE has stopped my processing and healing. Because she is so very angry with ME for making her carry all the abuse. For rejecting her and leaving her locked in the attic room with the memories of HIM.
So I have apologised to her (she does not yet accept). I have said to her, when the art work is out tomorrow, she must allow me to access her memories and emotions. She is skeptical. She thinks I am weak and pathetic and couldn't cope. She tells me SHE wants to speak. She won't allow anything out unless I let her talk to T. I am negotiating with her. My T probably won't allow her to speak. I don't know. I don't know what to tell my T. I don't want to sound completely nuts, but this whole fucking thing is nuts. What do I do? I need to access her feelings, thoughts and memories to heal. I have said to her, if she speaks, then the WE must become I. She gets accepted into me. As part of the whole person that is ME.
She is a tough one to integrate. She is very stroppy, rude, stubborn, angry, fearful. SHE does not trust T. Not like I do. I need her to realise that it was not her fault. That I am sorry she was hurt. That I love her as part of me.
No wonder she is scared. She is worried that she will stop existing. I need to let her know that she will be more real. She will be allowed to grow up.
Poor little Whore Child. So very sad and hurt and alone. I love you Hun. You will be ok tomorrow.