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Managing without my T. Possible *TW* for anything

Posted by Mand , 24 June 2014 · 206 views

I put a TW because I am never sure what I am going to write when I blog. Sometimes I have a very definite idea, and I start writing it out, and before I know it all kinds of stuff has snuck on the page! Other times (like now) I just feel like writing. So let's see - after chosing a title- what my subconscious has been cooking up.

Normally today in my head is 'pre-T' day. When I start to get an excited tingle at the thought of seeing her. I like this excited tingle. I will be honest and say part of it is a sexual excitement (God, poor woman. Erotic transference from a 40 something mother of two must be quite revolting to deal with!!!), part of it is that I genuinely enjoy her company. She is highly intelligent, a little bonkers, and a very kind, caring lady with a wicked sense of humour and a core of steel.

This time so far, I have successfully resisted SH-ing. Some of you asked how keeping the intense emotion diary was working. Well - no SH or SUI so far! And thanks to the regular body scans, where I listen to my body, I am eating. Normally. No more weight loss. Wow :)

I struggled from the second she told me she was going to be away. The panic and fear was immense. I know this is probably related to her last absence. But then, I didn't know when she would be back. I had started a new job. I had yet to fully disclose to her. My last session with her before her unplanned absence was me being angry with her. I hated her. It was awful.

This time is different. After my initial panic, by yesterday, I was thinking "I'm fine, I don't need to see her anymore!". Then I think of the day before. Since Sunday, when I disclosed to my friend, my wall is very, very firmly back in place. In fact, I have a feeling that I have been rebuilding my iron vault - ever since she told me she would be away. So it's not over for me, yet.....but I am handling things better.

I did a presentation yesterday at a big research conference. I got several 'big bosses' approach me, interested in employing me (cue internal disbelief and a feeling of "why???"). I've been asked to apply for a promotion. Initially I was resistant, but my current boss is lovely. Sat me down and told me to apply. Pointed out that if I went for it, and was offered it, I didn't have to accept it. But if I didn't go for it, then I wouldn't be opening doors for myself, showing an interest in moving up the career ladder. I am both excited and terrified by this.

I think when my T is back, I will ask to look at the artwork I drew. Who knows. Maybe I am at a point when I can safely access my past now. Maybe not. But unless, as with the job, I don't try, then how am I to know.

I miss my T. My heart misses her dreadfully. But I do seem to grow a lot when I don't see her. So it isn't necessarily a bad thing, her being away. If it pushes me forward. Because I want to impress and please her. *sigh*. Role on a week Thursday........

Well done Mand. Def go for this promotion. .. it's always self empowering when others believe in you I find :) You have coped so well without your T...you are an inspiration. ..as I keep saying. I look up to you as a fellow Pandys sister. Hopefully you will be able to look at the artwork you drew...its always hard looking back at what you did before...but I believe looking back helps us move forward. (((Hugs))) Sarrettaa
Thanks Sar. I never knew when I joined here how much bigger my 'family' would get!!! I have acquired a lot of 'sisters' and a 'brother'. It's nice- less lonely :)
I found this blog to be very positive. Gosh you are so strong and amazing! Look at how you are able cope on your own...at how you have been able to protect yourself even with your T gone! You are flying forward and that is just so wonderful it makes me do a happy dance for you! :)

My T is on vacation. I miss having someone to talk to.

It's hard isn't it Candu. We start by telling them nothing and end up bearing our souls and really hurt when they aren't there......hope you have some good coping strategies too.

I found some giggles when you were talking about your T.  :-)  I find it cute. 


Awesome job at the conference!!!!!  I think you should totally go for it!  

Glad you are in a giggly mood - this makes me Happy for you :) :hug:

Well done on the presentation - such a huge change from how things were for you a couple of months ago :)

I know!!! I can't quite believe it!! Thank you for your support Allegro. I am glad you blogged and are interacting more again. I worry when people go 'silent'. Having done so myself - I recognised that you were struggling. :hug:
Jun 25 2014 11:27 PM

I knew it Mand, about the conference session. I'm so excited for you and proud to know you!


I hope you are having a better night dealing with your T being away.

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