Managing without my T. Possible *TW* for anything
Normally today in my head is 'pre-T' day. When I start to get an excited tingle at the thought of seeing her. I like this excited tingle. I will be honest and say part of it is a sexual excitement (God, poor woman. Erotic transference from a 40 something mother of two must be quite revolting to deal with!!!), part of it is that I genuinely enjoy her company. She is highly intelligent, a little bonkers, and a very kind, caring lady with a wicked sense of humour and a core of steel.
This time so far, I have successfully resisted SH-ing. Some of you asked how keeping the intense emotion diary was working. Well - no SH or SUI so far! And thanks to the regular body scans, where I listen to my body, I am eating. Normally. No more weight loss. Wow
I struggled from the second she told me she was going to be away. The panic and fear was immense. I know this is probably related to her last absence. But then, I didn't know when she would be back. I had started a new job. I had yet to fully disclose to her. My last session with her before her unplanned absence was me being angry with her. I hated her. It was awful.
This time is different. After my initial panic, by yesterday, I was thinking "I'm fine, I don't need to see her anymore!". Then I think of the day before. Since Sunday, when I disclosed to my friend, my wall is very, very firmly back in place. In fact, I have a feeling that I have been rebuilding my iron vault - ever since she told me she would be away. So it's not over for me, yet.....but I am handling things better.
I did a presentation yesterday at a big research conference. I got several 'big bosses' approach me, interested in employing me (cue internal disbelief and a feeling of "why???"). I've been asked to apply for a promotion. Initially I was resistant, but my current boss is lovely. Sat me down and told me to apply. Pointed out that if I went for it, and was offered it, I didn't have to accept it. But if I didn't go for it, then I wouldn't be opening doors for myself, showing an interest in moving up the career ladder. I am both excited and terrified by this.
I think when my T is back, I will ask to look at the artwork I drew. Who knows. Maybe I am at a point when I can safely access my past now. Maybe not. But unless, as with the job, I don't try, then how am I to know.
I miss my T. My heart misses her dreadfully. But I do seem to grow a lot when I don't see her. So it isn't necessarily a bad thing, her being away. If it pushes me forward. Because I want to impress and please her. *sigh*. Role on a week Thursday........