Post T *TW*CSA
Anyway, I sat down and she asked why my anxiety score had gone down so massively again. (This is a usual pattern for me. Up and down and up and down.). I said I had put my wall back up. I have struggled massively with the influx of emotions lately. The only way I can cope is my walling up my past so I don't have to deal with it. Otherwise I get nightmares, flashbacks. I can't eat or sleep. So I separate them off. Now I reckon many reading this blog will 'get' this. But I also believe those who weren't so young when their abuse started might find this 'odd'. All I can say is that by splitting myself, by creating 'others' who carry my abuse, I have developed a very strong, instinctive survival mechanism that kicks in when my main ''Mand"'feels under any sort of threat.
I said I had a poem I wanted to read. I told her that when I write, pure emotion flows out. But once it is written, it has gone. I was hoping by reading out my poem I would connect with the original emotion. (Alas this didn't happen, but at least I tried). She told me outright that the reason this happens is because I dissociate. This is the first time she has openly told me I do this. I have known this happens for ages. But I have never referred to it. I figured it was up to her to bring it up if she thought it an issue. She made it obvious this week that it is! When I dissociate I do not process. Another 'feels' for me. But not the Mand who is ME.
I read my poem. She said about how would a deaf person know what music sounds like unless they had hear it before they went deaf. That my yearning stems from the fact that my mum MUST have hugged me but I just don't remember. I have been tasked with thinking of when mum hugged me. There is no memory. None at all. So I am going to have to disagree with her next week. My yearning DOES not stem from her. I think it stems from watching other mums.....
And then tonight, I found myself telling my DD. My T had suggested telling her. If only to stop her thinking that my breakdown was due to her. She did think she was to blame. But I managed to reassure her. I gave her no detail - just said I was sexually abused as a child. She said a lot of things now make sense. So as hard as it was, I am glad I did it.
Exhausted now. Tgc all