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Post T *TW*CSA

Posted by Mand , 13 June 2014 · 191 views

I was not prepared for what happened when I read my "the maternal tiger in you" poem to my T this week. I was calm until a few hours before seeing her. Then the fear hit me. She answered the door with her usual smile- her beautiful blue eyes sparkling (I can never figure out - is she pleased to she ME, or is she like this with all her clients. Because she is a wonderful loving and caring T?)

Anyway, I sat down and she asked why my anxiety score had gone down so massively again. (This is a usual pattern for me. Up and down and up and down.). I said I had put my wall back up. I have struggled massively with the influx of emotions lately. The only way I can cope is my walling up my past so I don't have to deal with it. Otherwise I get nightmares, flashbacks. I can't eat or sleep. So I separate them off. Now I reckon many reading this blog will 'get' this. But I also believe those who weren't so young when their abuse started might find this 'odd'. All I can say is that by splitting myself, by creating 'others' who carry my abuse, I have developed a very strong, instinctive survival mechanism that kicks in when my main ''Mand"'feels under any sort of threat.

I said I had a poem I wanted to read. I told her that when I write, pure emotion flows out. But once it is written, it has gone. I was hoping by reading out my poem I would connect with the original emotion. (Alas this didn't happen, but at least I tried). She told me outright that the reason this happens is because I dissociate. This is the first time she has openly told me I do this. I have known this happens for ages. But I have never referred to it. I figured it was up to her to bring it up if she thought it an issue. She made it obvious this week that it is! When I dissociate I do not process. Another 'feels' for me. But not the Mand who is ME.

I read my poem. She said about how would a deaf person know what music sounds like unless they had hear it before they went deaf. That my yearning stems from the fact that my mum MUST have hugged me but I just don't remember. I have been tasked with thinking of when mum hugged me. There is no memory. None at all. So I am going to have to disagree with her next week. My yearning DOES not stem from her. I think it stems from watching other mums.....

And then tonight, I found myself telling my DD. My T had suggested telling her. If only to stop her thinking that my breakdown was due to her. She did think she was to blame. But I managed to reassure her. I gave her no detail - just said I was sexually abused as a child. She said a lot of things now make sense. So as hard as it was, I am glad I did it.

Exhausted now. Tgc all

Mand. :hug:

Jun 13 2014 05:50 PM

:hug: :hug:  :hug:


I'm glad you told DD.  TGC

hmmmmmmmmmmm the whole craving the hug thing......... I have no memory of my mother hugging me. I have been told by her mother that my mother did not hug me. Now i suppose behind closed doors my mother could have hugged me between beatings but I highly doubt it. So if I crave hugging...........and was never hugged as a child..... ya.........I like what I hear about your T alot but on this one I kinda have to disagree. I don't think you have to have experienced something and then lost it to know you need or want it. 

Proud you told your DD. That took a lot of courage and bravery.  (((Mand)))


Your post gives me a lot to ponder in terms of my own numbness. Thank you for sharing. 

Jun 13 2014 08:59 PM
Mand, this is a major landmark! Short on time, but totally with you.

I'm so numb and shut down I don't have much to say...other than I understand everything you wrote in here...especially about splitting yourself in order to survive. It's what I do as well. I also disagree with your T...mainly because my mother never held me in her arms and spoke to me reassuringly...yet I crave that so bad. It gets worse when I see other mother's providing that comfort.


Thank you for sharing.

How brave to tell DD.  It must have been difficult but it shows progress.


I have no memories of my mother hugging me when a child.  She has told me that she did.  I have memories of my dad hugging me and my grandmother just not my mother.  IDK  I crave and yearn for affection.  Now my mother hugs me which is weird.


Take good care of youhug.gif

It's funny. I read this blog this morning and I see no emotion in it at all. It is another very calm, rational post. Can't figure out why this bugs me.....
Jun 14 2014 11:11 AM

Because your wall is up, and part of you doesn't want that...?  

Ah. Yes yarn. Think you might be right. Thanks :)
I got hugs from other adults. I remember my mother actually pushing me away. You can totally crave what you can only get from uncles, teachers, older kids, your dad, but not your mum.

Blog leaves me breathless with hurt. Your walls must be monumental to enable you to write that without feeling it.

HUGE :hug:

Bless you Q. Really? I can't see it at all. Even now. Yes, I have excellent control. My T pointed it out again this week. I think she was pushing me to become angry ? That's why she told me my mum must have hugged me? I certainly realise now that her contradicting me made me angry. But only this morning....it has taken me four days to recognise I felt that emotion. I certainly didn't express or show it. Bum. Still too controlled with her, even though I trust her and feel safe.....poor woman. Probably is wondering what she has to do to get me to be 'me'. I will challenge her on Thursday about the hugging issue. But it will be my usual 'zen' like calm. My wall is totally up. Totally complete again. I am eating and sleeping. I was hoping this meant I was 'there'. At a stage of acceptance. But my visit to my house of Mand's shows me I am only partially there. The rawness and pain of my teen is still there when I prod it with my mind......

Sometimes this feels like a never ending journey. I reach one destination to find I must return to where I came from because I left something behind. So I go back, but they have sent it elsewhere. So I am walking around trying to find it......the frustration is immense .........

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