Existential angst *TW* CSA
When I first confronted the honest brutal reality of being raped and physically and sexually abused from such a young age, when I was with my T, I was elated. I left on a high, I was manic at home. Then the fear and the nightmares and all the usual things that appear to accompany dealing and healing appeared. And this stage appears to be going on for a bit longer than I would wish.
Finally admitting that actually, it was NOT all right for a man in my family to play sex games with me from 3 years (the earliest I remember so I realise that it was going on before this age), leading to digital then penile penetration in many imaginative ways), followed by a feeling of "Now I've admitted it, why do I feel so bad? Why hasnt it gone?", has led to an inner frustration because for some unknown reason, I seem to believe I should be able to move on straight away. I don't want to think about it, what it meant to little me, to my development, to my relationships, to my repeated victimisation at the hands of other fucking perverts who should have their dicks cut off and be forced to eat them (ooh nice spurt of anger) and so on. But 20 years of abuse, followed by over 20 years of silence, nearly a year in therapy before admitting it -yes - it's taking longer than the few weeks I imagined! But one realisation came to me this morning.
I fear abandonment because when I am not with my T - I DONT EXIST! And this isn't just with my T. I suddenly realised that my need for external validation means that when I am on my own, I only exist for myself - no one else. Therefore how could anyone possibly miss me if I decide to kill myself? Because when I am not with them, of course, they never think of me, can only care for me when I am physically with them. I have no needs that they have to worry about, no wants, and no desires. Why on earth would they waste any energy giving any thought to someone as insubstantial as me?
And therein lays the pain of the abused child. The lack of identity. The fear of abandonment and rejection. And I can see how illogical that is. Because how can someone who doesn't exist be abandoned and rejected? Ah - that's what causes the pain and fear. The realisation that I DO exist. Therefore I CAN be abandoned and rejected. Just like I was as a child. So I stopped existing so it didn't hurt. So I could grow up.
Much to ponder..