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Existential angst *TW* CSA

Posted by Mand , 11 June 2014 · 281 views

I was thinking about something that other bloggers have written about in the past few days. It's about growing up and existential angst. Its to do with fears of rejection and abandonment, and not feeling, or rather, not feeling that I exist in reality out side of my own mind.

When I first confronted the honest brutal reality of being raped and physically and sexually abused from such a young age, when I was with my T, I was elated. I left on a high, I was manic at home. Then the fear and the nightmares and all the usual things that appear to accompany dealing and healing appeared. And this stage appears to be going on for a bit longer than I would wish.

Finally admitting that actually, it was NOT all right for a man in my family to play sex games with me from 3 years (the earliest I remember so I realise that it was going on before this age), leading to digital then penile penetration in many imaginative ways), followed by a feeling of "Now I've admitted it, why do I feel so bad? Why hasnt it gone?", has led to an inner frustration because for some unknown reason, I seem to believe I should be able to move on straight away. I don't want to think about it, what it meant to little me, to my development, to my relationships, to my repeated victimisation at the hands of other fucking perverts who should have their dicks cut off and be forced to eat them (ooh nice spurt of anger) and so on. But 20 years of abuse, followed by over 20 years of silence, nearly a year in therapy before admitting it -yes - it's taking longer than the few weeks I imagined! But one realisation came to me this morning.

I fear abandonment because when I am not with my T - I DONT EXIST! And this isn't just with my T. I suddenly realised that my need for external validation means that when I am on my own, I only exist for myself - no one else. Therefore how could anyone possibly miss me if I decide to kill myself? Because when I am not with them, of course, they never think of me, can only care for me when I am physically with them. I have no needs that they have to worry about, no wants, and no desires. Why on earth would they waste any energy giving any thought to someone as insubstantial as me?

And therein lays the pain of the abused child. The lack of identity. The fear of abandonment and rejection. And I can see how illogical that is. Because how can someone who doesn't exist be abandoned and rejected? Ah - that's what causes the pain and fear. The realisation that I DO exist. Therefore I CAN be abandoned and rejected. Just like I was as a child. So I stopped existing so it didn't hurt. So I could grow up.

Much to ponder..



Hi Mand...

I can really relate to this existential angst you so eloquently describe. The need for validation from others and the sense of a non-deserving self is something I've wrestled with too.   Please know that you DO deserve to exist, to feel existent, to feel validated no matter what others may or may not say. I am already impressed by the steps you've taken to acknowledge who you are as a person, desiring and needing and exploring feelings as you do.  That's so strong.  You've put your feelings and perceptions into words, which, to my mind, means you've already recognized what is going on in your heart:  one baby step toward acknowledging a self, a self needing and searching and stretching for her own identity, even in the confusion of not-knowing.  

 

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Mand.  But know that  I can see you, I acknowledge you, and you are heard.  hug.gifhug.gifhug.gif

I suddenly realised that my need for external validation means that when I am on my own, I only exist for myself - no one else.

Putting your finger right on the spot there, Mand sad.png

Thanks for this post hug.gifhug.gif

Thanks for responding both. I wasn't sure whether anyone else would understand it, or actually, how much sense it made.


my repeated victimisation at the hands of other fucking perverts who should have their dicks cut off and be forced to eat them (ooh nice spurt of anger) and so on.

 

Loved this. GOOOOOOD anger indeed.  They all deserve your anger too. 

Thought of this after I responded earlier and wanted to share it with you to see whether it strikes a chord or not - I know it did with me.  When I started with my second T, he pondered on why the writing to my first T was so important to me.  He wondered whether my need to write and email between T sessions was my way of feeling as if I remained present in the mind of the reader.  I don't think that was the whole story - mostly I had to write or bust because I was overwhelmed with pain and utterly alone - but yes, I needed to think of him reading my words, and thinking about me, and I found comfort in that.  Wish my T would be this clever more often :glare:

 

Anyway, just wanted to say I get you completely.

Yes- that is it EXACTLY! I came to this conclusion out on my bike ride tonight before I read this. I can't believe that she would ever think of me unless I am 'present' with her. My writing keeps me 'present'. I want to embed myself Within her heart and soul.

When my erotic transference was really bad, I thought of her, fantasised, dreamed and longed for her. All the time. I felt a physical pain when separate from her. When she talked of other clients I hated them - and her. When she didn't respond to my texts I was devastated. When she did - I was elated, full of love for her, convinced she loved me too, and I would read her response again and again and again.

Luckily that intensity has passed.

Thank you Allegro. You have validated my
Own thoughts on this. :hug:

After reading your description of erotic transference...I am starting to wonder if this is happening with me because you sound just like I do right now. Actually I have been this way for a while now. sad.png Oh dear...

Nothing wrong with it Kayla. Part of the healing. Took me months to talk to my T but was one if the most important aspects of me gaining insight. Don't fret. I can tell you are a bit if a worrier ;-). Just trust the process.
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intrepidshe
Jun 12 2014 11:08 PM

This really pained me for both of us:

 

The realisation that I DO exist. Therefore I CAN be abandoned and rejected. Just like I was as a child. So I stopped existing so it didn't hurt. So I could grow up.

 

We grew up physically. We grew up by outward appearances. But, internally, emotionally, we froze. I feel very sad about that at the moment. But, through that sadness will come true growth, completeness, love, trust, and hope.

Yes, we will. We are.
"I wasn't sure whether anyone else would understand it, or actually, how much sense it made"


((((((Mand))))) It makes perfect sense...but one thing I have always been told by previous T's that has stuck woth me and probably the only thing the little girl actually listened to was this...the fact that we have thought about things and helped ourselves to understand it and deal with it in our own minds is good. As long as it makes sense to us (you ) then it helps. Others don't need to understand. Your feelings are what you feel...and that is what is important. Nomatter how untrue it feels or how crazy it sounds...you feel it and that's what is important.



I just wanted to share that....I don't know if it resonates with you but to me that's how I have always thought about things when I felt anything or nothing.

What you wrote here is inspiring Mand...sounds like you are going through some tough thoughts and spirials in your own mind. But remember we all love you and you will get through this. You are strong. You are here. You are loved.




Take gentle care
Sarrettaa x
Thank you. Emotions come crashing back....

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