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Poem for my T: The Maternal Tiger in You

Posted by Mand , 08 June 2014 · 208 views

Sometimes I watch you,
I watch you as you talk,
And I see the Maternal Tiger in you.
You would not have sat passively by,
If I had been yours,
You would have hugged me,
Held me,
Fought for me.
You would have been the Maternal Tiger,
Keeping the predators at bay.

And the longing in me,
From the child within.
I want to be held and hugged and reassured.
And I know that you won't,
Because of the rules,
The all important boundaries,
And it hurts, hurts, hurts.
This unmet need in me causes me so much pain.

What is it like?
Can you tell me?
Did your mother hold you when you cried?
Did she comfort you after you'd been beaten?
Did you know that love and care?
Can you tell me?
Will I ever know it?
Or is it now too late for me?
Do I have to accept this hurt will stay until I die.
Will I have to accept that the Maternal Tiger in you,
Is not for me.
But rather she is yours.
Yours to show,
But cannot, is not, allowed to reach out.

I am so lonely.
I am so alone.
In my childish grief,
There is no comfort to be found.
Just pain,
Confusion,
And loneliness.

Who am I?
Where have I gone?
Why was I not worth fighting for?



Mand, You were worth fighting for. And that "mother" that should have protected you didn't deserve to have such a precious soul in her care. I'm so sorry I wish I could hold you and give you the love and protection you so deserve and crave. :hug: :hug: :blanket: Mandy
:,-(
This speaks for me too...and now I am crying.
:hug:
:hug:
Reading this, I think I need to read it out loud to her. Not just give it to her. I wonder if I will be brave enough......

I know you are brave enough to read it out loud. I think it could be painful to read out loud, but I also think it could be healing too. I'll ride in your pocket if you would like.

hug.gifmetoyou.gif

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intrepidshe
Jun 08 2014 10:55 PM

Oh Mand, this tore my heart out. I know the deep pain these words speak. I'm so sorry. I do hope you read it to your T. It will be healing for you to do so, as much as it will be scary and painful.

The more I think about it, the more important I think it is that I do.....this is a BIG part of my pain I now realise.
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intrepidshe
Jun 09 2014 08:49 PM

You go, Mand! You can do it. We're here for you. You'll have dozens of pocket riders cheering you on.

You are learning that love and care Mand. You are learning to give it to yourself. No it is not the same as if your  mother would have given you what you truly deserved. But it is healing. I wish your T's rules were such that she could reach out, if that is what you truly want. I have never had a T who was not allowed to reach out so not sure how I would handle that. (not that I took them up on the offer to reach out but it does something even just knowing it is available). Your words are powerful and where your T may not be able to reach out and hold you physically, maybe there will be something else she can do or say to help fill that need.

Lolli- I am confused when she physically reaches out. She used to hug me but my 'programming' meant it triggered massive erotic transference. I became inappropriate and sexual - thinking that's what she wanted (took me months to realise it too!). I am now too frightened to ask her to hug me incase this triggers again. The thought of her now touching me terrifies me. I don't think I could handle the obsession and longing again......
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intrepidshe
Jun 09 2014 11:14 PM

Mand,

 

My T would recommend desensitization for this. I don't know if that applies here.

I've never heard of that- what is it?

Mand, I cannot imagine other than it must feel some like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. It makes me angry on so many levels that things are such that what  you need could backfire. You deserve to be held, hugged, comforted by your T. I am sorry. 

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