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The agony of healing *TW* CSA, SUI, SH

Posted by Mand , 05 June 2014 · 109 views

I think that yesterday, driving to T, was the most fearful I have ever felt when going to see her. I sat outside her house for 10 mins before I managed to pluck up the courage to ring the door bell. She took a while to answer, and I nearly walked away.......

I have to fill in an anxiety questionnaire at the start of every session. One of the statements reads: "I have made plans to end my life." So I had to be honest. I have this week. She asked me about it straight away. So I told her I had had enough. I wanted to check out of this world. That I wanted to die in my husbands arms so that I knew I was dying when someone loved me. She said:" Do you think he would calmly hold you as you bled to death in his arms?" I said no. "What does this tell you?" She queried. "That I don't really want to die". And I know this. I have so much joy and happiness and love. I WANT TO LIVE! This is a good statement. I will remember this when the darkness threatens. I didn't talk about my SH. She would have noticed the bruises on my arms. There was no need to say anything. I have to release my pain sometimes. I will not do it again. I hope......

She asked me to explore where the desire to kill myself stemmed from, what feelings were present. With her help I tracked it back to feelings of guilt and shame. DH had said to me: "It's alright if you enjoyed it Mand. It's alright if you went to him. I understand. You did nothing wrong. He,as the adult, should have held that boundary for you. He chose to behave as he did. It was not your fault." And this caused such pain. I said to my T that this level of love and understanding was agony. She said "Would it be easier if he punished you for it?" "YES" I replied. And I just release when writing this, that of course, I then chose to punish myself.......

She asked why did I struggle so much this last week. I said because my DH asked me to talk to her. To take my wall down, and that this has released nightmares and memories and emotions that have become almost overbearing. I told her about my two bouts of 30 second sobbing. She said this was good. That I need to grieve. To release the sorrow at a lost childhood, lost innocence. She said my control is too good and I need to let it go in this instance, but that I must not force it. I laughed at that, and said "When I cry there is no control. At that point it has gone".

We talked about my 'blocks'. I told her that she had unintentionally put them in my mind. One with an analogy about memory. When I was opening up about sick pervert bastard teacher, I felt she was blocking me. I questioned her about this at the time and she said: " Imagine you have a mound of dry sand. You pour the water down once and it makes rivulets and sinks in as it runs down. 5 mins later, you pour more water down and it follows the same path. And so if you go over the same thing, so you make your memories deeper. So yes, I am blocking you". So, she has changed that. I have to imagine that talking about my childhood memories will flatten the mound. Smooth it out. The memories will become diluted and have less power over me (block 1 successfully removed).

The second block is more complex. It was put in place when she was getting me to talk about when I first Sh'd. I became a child. I blogged about the experience and I remember Max getting quite angry for me, because it hurt me. She said"I can't work with the child Mand. I need adult Mand here". I told her that this had hurt me. That my inner child felt rejected and hurt and that I had done something wrong. And so I felt silenced. I couldn't allow the child to talk to her. "Mand" she said "I need to work with adult Mand, because when you act and talk as a child, you are not dealing and healing as an adult. I need YOU, as the grown up woman you are, to access your childhood memories as an adult, and to talk about them as an adult". This is still hard for me, but I intellectually understand what she means by this. It will be hard and painful, but I see it is what I must do. (Hopefully block 2 is being dismantled)

She asked me why I felt I went to him when I was tiny. We talked about my physical need for love and touch. We talked about, as I got older, the emotional need. She then said: "As you got older, why do you think you went to him?" I went blank, I couldn't think. "Can't think or don't want to think?" She asked. I didn't want to think. She then started talking about the age of reason. That this was when I started to be able to understand things more. And she says that is where my block is. When did I feel this happened?, she asked. I didn't know. So my homework is, if I want to, is to think about this block.

I googled the age of reason. It starts about 7 - plus or minus a year. My block starts aged 8. Clever lady my T........

Hi, Mand,

Glad that the fear didn't stop you getting to T. Sounds like you're in quite a thinky place at the mo, almost the opposite of the shock of nightmares and pain you described to your T. Can't believe you got your homework done so quickly - your T should ban the use of internet searches!

Right, off to the pool for an evening dip. Hopefully the kids have all gone for tea and there will be tranquil to be found...
Oops, just quoted myself while editing for spacing. Apologies, Mand!
Floating peacefully in the water with you. I love water.

Thanks for continuing to share your insights.  I agree with Q that your writing here is quite controlled and very different than the topic.  


The big about accepting punishment being easier than comfort really hit me.  It's so true. It seems like such a good idea sometimes and the only thing that will help.  the thought of comforting little chris is horrid. It infuriates me.  I am sorry you struggle with this too. 


safe :hug:

Jun 06 2014 07:43 PM

This was strong work, difficult, and courageous. You were so honest with your T and it is helping you move along the healing path. I hope that last block you listed is cooperative. I know, however, you'll figure out a way to name it and move it.

Ah, intrepid. Honesty. I am struggling with expressing emotional honesty with her. Trust is so very hard.
I think we all take refuge in thought over feeling. That's unsurprisingly a major block. My T consistently fends off my attempts to go to the abstract... Only just realised how considerate and professional that is! Trust is so very, very hard :hug:

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