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The Voice That Wasn't Heard- the child that wanted love *TW* CSA, violence

Posted by Mand , 05 June 2014 · 74 views

When I was little,
I wanted to be loved.
I wanted to be held and cuddled.
I wanted to be cherished,
Cared for,
Loved.
Instead, the soft touches left bruises,
The search for affection was blocked.
The little precious child that was me,
Was so very frightened and alone.
I didn't understand what I had done wrong.
I felt I must have been so very bad.
That I deserved the hard slaps,
The punches,
The violence.
That I was so revolting,
I did not deserve love,
Care,
Affection.
So I sought attention from the man who gave it to me.
Who met that need.
He was gentle,
The child adored him,
Loved him.
He made her feel good.
I sought him out,
Because I was lonely.
I just wanted to be loved.
I just wanted affection.
I just wanted a gentle touch.

At what point did I realise?
At what age did it dawn on me?
That maybe - maybe something was wrong?
When did the blocks in my mind appear?
Was my voice ever heard?
The warning signs were there,
I can see that now.
But sadly,
For little me,
These were ignored.
My little child's voice was not heard,
So I stopped trying to use it.
And now......
Now my throat is raw.
I have to force the words out,
Through the pain,
Through the tightness in my throat.
And my child now speaks with an adult voice,
And now I can be heard.
But it hurts.
The pain rips into my heart,
My mind,
My soul.
But my voice just needs to be strengthened,
And that takes practice,
And patience.
So I will allow myself time,
For my voice to grow.
I will give the Silent Child her voice.
Because I deserve to be heard.
Loved.
Cherished.



You do deserve to be heard, loved and cherished. You do now and you did then. I am so sorry you weren't. :metoyou: sitting with you if you like offering safe warm loving hugs only if you want them.
:'-( thank you.
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FinallyHere
Jun 05 2014 05:21 PM

This speaks to deep places. I cannot respond with many words but I so appreciate this poem more than I can say. 

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intrepidshe
Jun 05 2014 08:13 PM

Mand,

 

I feel so awful. As I read I kept thinking, "oh god, oh god, oh god." It's so sad. It just absolutely breaks my heart. It tears it in half. It stomps it on the ground.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain you feel for the pain given to you by the abuse. I'm so sorry.

 

Give the child her voice. She does deserve to be loved. She needs it. She needs it so much!

your voice never should have been taken, quieted, ignored. Someone should have fought for you then like you fight for yourself now. You are strong and you will get there. And when you do I bet I will hear you all the way to Michigan.

And so these responses are making my eyes water...

Thank you all.

My T said I need to release control and cry.

I am crying.

It is hard.

This brought me to tears Mand. I can feel your hurt and anger as I read. Shout as loud as you want...let that voice be heard. 

I might come back to this one, mand.

I find myself observing it quite clinically.

It is very real, and possibly closer to my truth than I can handle.

Intrepid's response is the truthful one.

 

Yes, the child finding a voice. Good.

Crying. Also good.

 

The reason why?

 

Not good.

 

Makes you want to go all Godzilla and smash up a few skyscrapers to rescue the child.

Stay safe Max. I am aware when I 'detach' and go clinical that I sometimes have been triggered.

Yes, intrepid's response touches my heart, very deeply. I still struggle with the thought that others might care enough about me to understand and share my pain. Jeepers, even writing this paragraph is causing pain and disbelief. *sigh*.

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