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*TW* for anything really!

Posted by Mand , 03 June 2014 · 68 views

I have a question. Do others who suffered abuse from a young age find that as new memories resurface, that their suicide ideation and desire to self harm increases? I have managed weeks with no SH-ing at all. My SUI this week or, if I'm honest, since seeing my T with my DH, has been appalling. I can't believe how much I have had to use my CBT skills to constantly find rationality in my irrationality.

And my SH-ing has returned. But this has been coupled with bouts of immense anger and frustration. It is a very childish anger. It's like all the feelings that my child should have felt and expressed - but didn't and /or couldn't - are now bubbling to the surface. My reactions to events at home are completely out of proportion. Unfortunately, my DD is displaying passive aggressive behaviour - which I'm told is normal for teens. They are selfish, self cantered creatures, with no empathy. (My DS is the total opposite, but right now, I can't bear to look at my DD. My T thinks there might be some jealousy from me to her. Because I was not allowed or was too frightened to behave like a 'normal' teen).

Tonight my DD was horrid. I smashed a mug and instantly took myself away and SH-ed. DH came running up and held me to stop me. Then made me promise to take no unnecessary risks when I went riding. Luckily, my riding sorted me out, I am 'me' again. And hopefully I will be too knackered to have nightmares. But my nightmares have come from the cracks in my wall. I have gone so long with waking in a panic, covered in sweat, but unable to remember them to suddenly finding myself waking up being able to remember them. And they are so very very horrid. Last nights was my T and her husband, bringing in other clients who wanted to fuck me. But I was a child and I ran through their house trying to hide. I had a blankie and I was squeezing myself into a tiny space and sucking my thumb, but they found me. When I awoke- I had a sudden memory of squeezing behind the gap between the settee and radiator in my ********** 's house. And I was trying to not breath. To be very quiet. Because they were coming to look for me. To take me up to the attic room. I was ....I don't know how old. But 4?5?6? I hate this. I wish it would go. I wish this was not me. I want to be me without this. Why must I remember? Why must I accept. I reject reject reject reject. I push away. Bad things must go. It was not me. It was her. The Silent One who has my birth name.

Gone dark. Too triggered



OH Mand I am so very sorry things are so rough. To answer your question about an increase in SI or SU when remembering, I find that absolutely to be true. My instinct is to run in any way I can to avoid feeling what will come from the memory. I am sorry you DD is being........ well...... a DD. Because ya I think you are right in that it is normal for her. I get about being triggered or set off by your child. Or being triggered by memories but then running into times like this with your child. You will get through this. Keep posting. There are many of us who keep listening. 

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I myself was raped repeatedly by my brother when I was really young. I don't remember most of my childhood. My mother is an alcoholic and drug addict. So is my brother. I was left alone a lot. For some ungodly reason I'm starting to remember, little by little in nightmares. So I can't sleep. So I share someof what hhappened to you. If you ever need someone to talk more with. I am here, I always check my blogs and messages.

Hey there, 

 

I see a lot of pain here Mand.  It made me very sad to read because I see so much pain and confusion here.  I am sorry that you are feeling this way.  I wish it wasn't so. You in no way deserve to feel this way.   You are also not alone.  I haven't been at this too long- in terms of trying to heal but I think I've gone enough rounds with new memories to say that yes, I see a pattern of self destruction and self harm with each one. This came to mind as I read your blog today.  I realized that after I explain feeling a certain way of self destruction my T asks me if there are other times I felt this way. I always end up pausing and realizing that yes, there are many times I have felt this way in the past and they always come up from "THIS." I don't know for sure but it does seem to have gotten better than it was years ago. Back then I couldn't cope did a lot of drugs to compensate and I tried to SU. This always happened after memory or assault. 

 

This whole pattern thing really pisses me off. It's so hard to pull ones self out of a bottomless pit and it seems that healing is all about facing one after the other and that you can't be successful with the next until you've pulled yourself out of the first.  /sigh.  It makes me mad.

 

It sounds like weeks back (months?) when you were talking about how you wear glasses that rose up your view of things and how they needed to come off.  Perhaps they are falling off now?  Honestly your experiences with this scare me a bit- because it scares me that perhaps I am facing a battle of my own with this.  My T says that I protect myself from seeing things certain ways.  She never agrees with me when I say it wasn't bad or that I think it's silly that I got upset.  She just tells me it's my protector and she is very strong.

 

Yours has been very strong too Mand.  I wish she didn't have to be but she did.  

 

Take gentle care.

 

Chris 

Thanks all. I have crawled out of the darkness. I survived. I am strong. Only I am in charge of me. Night all. Now I sleep - I pray for no nightmares tonight. Stay safe all. Your words help me. As I hope I can help you all as you heal too.
:hug: to share.
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intrepidshe
Jun 03 2014 07:07 PM

Mand,

 

I do also have this experience. It seems out of the blue something new (as in a new memory) will hit me, or something in my current life hurts me, and I'm right back at the need for SI. Just today when I got home I felt it. Why? Because I am very tired and feeling sad and wanting to curl up into a ball because the emotions inside me are so intense. I wish I could have cried it all out this last weekend. But, I guess it doesn't work that way. The pain inside me is building again. (Hmm. It's good to see those words. I wasn't aware of that.)

 

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this and having nightmares you remember! You're doing the right things to help yourself cope with it. I wish I could be there to soothe you, to wrap you in my arms and tell you it will be alright.

 

But, please if you can envision it, and if it's OK with you (if it feels safe and comfortable), "I am wrapping you in my arms and saying, I'm sorry you were so hurt. I'm sorry this caused you so much pain. You are going to be OK."

Thank you intrepid. I am humbled and comforted. Thank you.

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