*TW* for anything really!
And my SH-ing has returned. But this has been coupled with bouts of immense anger and frustration. It is a very childish anger. It's like all the feelings that my child should have felt and expressed - but didn't and /or couldn't - are now bubbling to the surface. My reactions to events at home are completely out of proportion. Unfortunately, my DD is displaying passive aggressive behaviour - which I'm told is normal for teens. They are selfish, self cantered creatures, with no empathy. (My DS is the total opposite, but right now, I can't bear to look at my DD. My T thinks there might be some jealousy from me to her. Because I was not allowed or was too frightened to behave like a 'normal' teen).
Tonight my DD was horrid. I smashed a mug and instantly took myself away and SH-ed. DH came running up and held me to stop me. Then made me promise to take no unnecessary risks when I went riding. Luckily, my riding sorted me out, I am 'me' again. And hopefully I will be too knackered to have nightmares. But my nightmares have come from the cracks in my wall. I have gone so long with waking in a panic, covered in sweat, but unable to remember them to suddenly finding myself waking up being able to remember them. And they are so very very horrid. Last nights was my T and her husband, bringing in other clients who wanted to fuck me. But I was a child and I ran through their house trying to hide. I had a blankie and I was squeezing myself into a tiny space and sucking my thumb, but they found me. When I awoke- I had a sudden memory of squeezing behind the gap between the settee and radiator in my ********** 's house. And I was trying to not breath. To be very quiet. Because they were coming to look for me. To take me up to the attic room. I was ....I don't know how old. But 4?5?6? I hate this. I wish it would go. I wish this was not me. I want to be me without this. Why must I remember? Why must I accept. I reject reject reject reject. I push away. Bad things must go. It was not me. It was her. The Silent One who has my birth name.
Gone dark. Too triggered