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Bit of all over the place. *TW* (probably for extreme self pity to be honest!) just incase I ramble off in CSA

Posted by Mand , 07 May 2014 · 98 views

I can't do it. Everything is too much. As T draws closer, my Mand's, who I am working so hard to integrate, feel like they are trying to break free. Imagine a massive piece of thick latex, with bodies and hands making shapes against its surface. So you can make out an outline of a face, a back, and lots and lots if small hands.....

I can't work out if The Silent One is trying to break out so she can grow up, or break out so she can hide. So I can hide. Most times there is one Silent One. Tonight, there are many. From aged 3-15. It doesn't take a genius to do the maths. The Silent One was hurt the longest. Repressed the hardest. Survived the worst.

She is ME. I want to see my T. I don't want to see my T. I want to read my letter to her. I don't want to read my letter to her. When I imagine doing it, I feel tearful. So I don't. Because I don't want to cry. I said to my T a few weeks ago that I felt she didn't want me to express extreme emotion to her. She said that she believes I think that because when I turn up, or become manic, she has to calm me down- to keep me in the therapeutic window. But expressing extreme emotion is dangerous. Is selfish. It will never be met with cuddles with her- so what's the point?

Ah- is this the self pity? I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I can't name the feeling in my heart. I don't recognise it, I can't describe it, therefore I can't name it or understand it. It's like......a rubber band being pinged against the flesh of my heart, and the rubber band is twisted round and round and round, multiple times. And it is hot and cold. At the same time. There- I can describe it. I just can't name it.

I need to see my T. I need to see my T before I fall off the planet. Again.



:hug: :hug: :hug:

I hear genuine concern for your self care not self pity (((Mand))).

IM With Bella On This.
Stay Strong Dear <3

Hi mand, sitting quietly with you. Part of you is very quiet and ready for this.

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yarnfoolishness
May 07 2014 05:43 PM

I don't hear self-pity.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but do I hear a hint of anger?  Just a hint of resentment for what your precious silent one was forced to endure?

 

Maybe I'm projecting because I'M angry on behalf of your precious Silent One.

 

Expressing extreme emotion is not selfish.  And the only time it's dangerous is if you don't have the means to ground yourself because you can get exhausted and experience a crisis.  Children do it all the time.  It's their parents or other caring adults who keep them safe when it happens.  As we get older, we're supposed to learn to do it for ourselves - keep ourselves safe in the face of an extremity of emotion. 

 

Some of us (raising hand) didn't learn  that, so we're learning as adults.  It's just another thing the abusive environments neglected to give us.

 

Sitting with you.  You've expressed such trust in your T, so I trust your T, because I trust you.  I'll ride in your pocket if it helps.

 

:cuppa:

((((Mand)))) bit lost for words but know I'm with you. Take gentle care of yourself. Sarrettaa
Thanks Yarn. That helps a lot. Thanks Max. Head down in work today. I am best just not thinking. I will just 'be'. I'll take my letter with me to T tonight and just see what feels right. What happens. You're so right Yarn. It's the 'fighting' of the feelings that lead to exhaustion.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks Sar and allegro. We were all here at the same time that makes me feel most comforted :)
Hey, you,

Sorry you're suffering. Sounds panicky and overwhelmy to me, but as Yam said, maybe I'm projecting because that is how that picture makes me react. And how the idea of extreme exposure in T makes me feel.

As you once said to me, breathe, hon. Everyone in your life now wants the best for you. In T two days ago, I handed over a piece of paper that had lived in my glove box as I wouldn't have it in the house, and you've already been far braver with your letter - if you can read it, it will be the right thing and ditto the reverse.

Hope work isn't too exhausting,

Q

:hug: :hug: :hug:
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intrepidshe
May 08 2014 10:51 PM

Mand,

 

I really don't think it's self-pity. It's fear. It's change. It's healing. This stuff is scary and difficult. You'll get through it and you'll feel better.

 

Please don't think of it as self-pity. I hope your T appoint goes well. I have T tomorrow too. I will probably read the first part of my letter to her tomorrow.

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