Letter to my abuser *TW* CSA, swearing
Dear *******, or do I call you *******?
You see, there is confusion in me. In my child mind, there were two of you. ******was loving, caring. He took me shopping. He was my true joy, the man I adored. The man who made me feel special and loved. The man who showed me love. Love. That word is so complicated where you are concerned. Because ****** showed me love, didn't he. He showed me physical, sexual love. And when I was small, so small, you were still *****, I thought this was fun. It felt nice. But when I was 12......
This letter is the third draft. I wrote it once and I was angry, so angry. I destroyed it. I wrote it again. And the anger was still there, coupled with a sense of disbelief. After spending the weekend with my 12 year old niece, I have destroyed the 2nd letter, and I am writing it again. And now, there is anger, loathing, disgust and an incredibly deep sense of confusion. Of disbelief. Watching my niece, who looks so much like I did at her age. Who is blond and sweet and kind and loving and helpful - just like I was - I can't believe that I ever thought - at that age - THAT I WAS SEXUAL. That I have always held a long rooted belief, right from when I was tiny, that I was a physically sexual child. My niece is a child. She does colouring, she likes fairy tales. I watched her, and the sadness I felt, the grief and sorrow, for 12 year old me. Because I could NEVER imagine ANYONE wanting to have sex with such a precious, small thing. A young, pure and innocent such as she. But you - you fucking well thought it was ok. How could you? You revolt and disgust me. My daughter - at nearly 18 - is a child. And I now realise, that I, too, WAS A CHILD.
I am angry. So very, very angry. How the hell could you think it was alright to fuck a 12 year old girl - your own ***********???????? To introduce me to sexual feelings and pleasure at 3, 4, 5?????? To tell me, at 12, that I was old enough, big enough, sexual enough, so like YOU? Therefore it was ok? Because it wasn't sex - that's what you said - it wasn't sex. But it so fucking was! And you were wrong, it was NOT ok. I grew to hate you. To be so angry with you. Because you confused me so much. I loved you, I did anything for you, but I knew that something wasn't right. But what could I do I was so well programmed by then, wasn't I?!
I have been told I have to name you. To say out loud what you are. And I found it so hard, so hard to hear when another named you so. But do you know what? now - NOW I can name you. The demon that has lived inside me. That has made me carry guilt and shame and self loathing. I name you ********, *********, liar, abuser, paedophile, defiler, rapist.
I need to tell you how what you did to me made me grow up. What I have had to carry with me. Since I was tiny. I believed that someone could only care for me if they showed a sexual interest in me. I felt so different from all the other children at school. I hated them. The only friendship I had that was close growing up was a sexual one - with another girl. And another sexual one - with another boy. And his dad - his dad thought it ok to take photos of me, to give me money to take my clothes off when I was 10 - AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS NORMAL - WAS OK - BECUASE OF YOU.
I grew up with no sense of self worth outside of people's reaction to my body. I never believed that I was worthy - of value - for being myself, for being ME. I hated my name - you took that name from me. I became Mand. I hated myself, I hated my body. I grew up believing, feeling, that I was intrinsically 'wrong'. that I was bad. That I deserved hurt and pain and punishment. I grant you - dad has a lot to answer for in this - but the sexual things? These are all yours.
I met another monster, and thanks to you, to your training, I responded to him. And he used me. He hurt me. He whored me. No - worse than that - because I did so placidly, willingly, I was so fucking docile and well trained by then. I did things believing he loved me, believing that when I grew up he would want to marry me and have kids with me. But all he wanted to do was rape me and video me, and share me with other monsters like him, like you. I allowed him to hurt me so badly, I lied to doctors, I lied to my parents, I lied to myself. Because if what you did to me was ok - how was he any different? So because I loved you, because you warped my love for you, I thought I loved him too. And even though I was relieved when he - the pervert bastard who had turned me into his sex toy - broke up with me - I went back to him. Willingly, allowing him to use my body again. But then, my intelligence kicked in, my control. And I made a decision. NO MORE.
So at 18 I met a man. A wonderful, beautiful man. But because of you, I made him suffer. And recently, I found out, when telling him about you, about *****, about ****, about *****, about ********, who used me as a fucking CHILD, that I have unintentionally been hurting him the whole time we have been together. This man, who I love with all my heart, this wonder, gentle man, has not known me as he should, until now, ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. And this makes me so angry with you, you fucking, fucking bastard. He has not been allowed to caress me, to touch me with a lovers touch, because of YOU. He has not been allowed to make love to me. He has been allowed to fuck me, to use my body, but he has never been allowed to be gentle, playful, tender, BECAUSE OF YOU. He has hated my attitude to my body, to sex, because of you. How dare you. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.
My children - conceived when I was drunk. My depression, after my daughter was born - my absolute fear for her, because of your damage, your warped view of love, I have been terrified that another fucking perverted paedophile would enter my life. I have struggled with her, been terrified of her, for her, and this I blame you for. My kids, who have seen me struggle with depression and anxiety. Have had to live with my struggles over the past few years, because of what you did to me.
My inability to go out and relax with friends. To have too many people over. Because I can't cope. I can't relax. My sexual inappropriateness, which has no doubt pushed people away, or has allowed others to be inappropriate with me. This I blame you for. Because you fucking programmed me, you bastard. You programmed me from such a young age. You gave me an introduction to sexual pleasure when I was so very little. You affected my relationships with my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, my mum, my dad.
The course me life has taken - my inability to complete my PhD - thanks to you - I fucked it up. I couldn't continue. I was so terrified of criticism, of being wrong. I was sexually inappropriate with my Director of Studies. I was so massively anxious about being in an office, on my own. So I failed to achieve something that I am intelligent enough to achieve, because of you!
You know what? I used to think that I was evil. That I had a demon inside me. I wanted to fucking DIE because I thought I was so filthy, so disgusting, so unworthy. I hurt my body again and again and again. I continued to build guilt on guilt. I put myself at risk, I went to pubs, I picked men up, and was so fucking lucky that I wasn't raped again, because fucking hell, did I put myself out there! Well, I guess I have seen evil. I have stared it in the face. And guess what - that face is yours.
So I say NO MORE. You are not my ********, my *********. You are a sick, child rapist. An incestuous paedophile. You do not deserve my love. I am too good for you. I am strong and beautiful and intelligent. I am loving and kind. I am generous and giving. And I am all these things - BECAUSE OF ME.